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Wednesday, March 30
It is that time of the year again, the annual beauty pageant where we source out not very beautiful girls from all over the country, to send to a random South American country you've never heard of, and in the process see these girls massacred and uglified by students from hairstyling school and makeup artist wannabes.
A new queen to replace the awful one crowned last year will be decided in a coupled of days, and this year's batch is visibly more promising (and relieving). I am no handsome hunk, I know nothing about makeup, my taste in girls may be suspect sometimes, but I am a guy ultimately and all guys know how to grade how girls look. We have rankings from 0-5 stars, Band 1-4, A1-F9, A to B+ to B etc but I'm not going to use any of them here, I'm going to give my 2 cents worth on our not so beautiful girls. If anybody would bother.
Before I start I thought I should defend myself like everybody does for doing superficial things like this. These girls chose to be in the limelight they are subject to criticism shouldnt judge when i dont know them blahblahblah chee ko peks masturbating to them in bikinis blahblahblah i'm a blunt stupid bastard blahblahblahblahblah. there. enough of my crap now, let's (sc)roll.
Natasha Riard
I don't like bouffant hair. I think that makes people look kind of old if not done properly. I saw some of her casual photos and she looked quite okay and fresh in them though. I think she's about the only who hasn't been massacred by the stylist. I have a gut feeling she's going to be one of the front runners too.
Jacqueline Ong
I don't like the way she looks. It's just a personal opinion. She just looks very awkward to me. She looks like she should be in a kimono in this picture anyway
Crystal Kang
She looks like an Ah Lian here. Someone showed me her Friendster pictures and I wouldn't say she looked very nice in them either. And she's kinda struggling to keep her dress up eh - look at how low it is
Swyn Teo
Never noticed her before. but I can see this face modeling cosmetics though. and nice glossy lips.
Yvonne Lim
She has this girl-next-door look I think. Looks like the girl you grew up with and are shocked to find out she's become a woman and is in a beauty pageant one day.
Arwyn Siah
She's an SQ flight stewardess, has a LOTR-esqe name, and I think looks quite decent in the casual pics, only that she's a victim of the stylist and photographer here. Bad angle, bad bouffant hair again, and why are your eyebrows arched - you're not going to kill Frodo are you?
Linderr Jasni
I think she hit the nail on the head when she said probably was SMSed into this round as one of the top 3 because the Malay community was rooting for her. I've seen prettier Malay girls. And for these girls' sake SACK THE BLOODY HAIRSTYLIST! terrible hair.
Jing Mok
her real name is actually Mok Jing Jing, and if you recall, a ditzy girl played by Jeanette Aw in Holland V had a similar name. Jing Mok isn't really as cute as Mo Jing Jing is. she looks awful to me. with terrible hair yet again, looks like too much hair spray was used.
Jeannie Fong
I HAVE to go on about the bouffant hair. This is one prime example. Don't you think she looks like some auntie here with the big awful do and all? Otherwise I think she looks like some polytechnic student in the pictures where she lets her hair down.
Lorraine Lai
she's the first one who made me notice that the girls are wearing silver earstuds. looks quite alright. looks like a Lux girl too.
May Ng
i think of a fruit when i see her, no bouffant hair however, but will probably be making up the numbers.
Ivy Lai
another one that will make up the numbers. don't really fancy her, doesnt really have the X factor, but then again not all the other contestants have that too. she has the biggest boobs though.
Rebecca Lim
she's one of us (or most of us), she just got out of junior college, and naturally i'll be rooting for people my age. she's sweet looking, tad plain though. i won't be surprised if she gets into the top 3, but honestly i can't see her winning the whole thing.
Blyss Chin
don't like her, she looks old in this picture, think her best shot is at portraying a pixie-like image. does anybody remember whether she was in The New Paper's New Face search before? the same year Dawn from CTSS was. she seems familiar.
Cheryl Tay
quite alright. looks classy and elegant here to me.
Destiny Ong
sweet looking, cherubic face, weird Taiwan-esqe name (Vanness, Show, Fish, Milk?!!? Hello can I speak to Milk? sounds weird doesnt it?), looks even better when she lets her hair down, but her face definitely isn't one of a model.
Ling Lee
quite fresh and alright looking, even though the hair makes her resemble a horse. i don't know if i was dreaming or they changed the material on the website, but i thought i read some stuff on her having skinny dipped before. maybe that was someone else.
Edwina Tan
she has this i-don't-like-taking-pictures look. she looks like she's from the Victorian era to me in this pose. like bonnets and shawls would fit her fine. her lipstick color is different, and doesnt look very appropriate - sack the makeup artist too!!!
my picks: Cheryl Tay, Natasha Riard, Rebecca Lim. and Ling Lee the horse girl as the dark horse.
however, knowing the judges of Miss Singapore tend to be pudgy TV executives in suits and pasty faced salon owners that pick the girl they would most like to see their son bring home (i.e. most auntie looking), i'm not too optimistic that they'll choose any of those i've picked.
Catch the Grand Final live on Saturday, 7.30pm, Channel 5, home of your favourites and pudgy TV executives, with your hosts, Gurmit Singh, Nadya Hutagalung and Jaymee Ong. Jaymee Ong's way hotter than any of the contestants isnt she?
who are your picks?
Friday, March 25
today i have something to complain about
so today i will complain about something
i will complain about transparent bra straps today!
what is wrong with the people out there!
hello you people who wear transparent bra straps
hellllloooo we can see them perfectly fine!
contrary to popular belief they are not magic or super
what would aliens think if we had magic bra straps?
"oh theyre slipping i'll magic them back"
"they're cutting through my shoulders, i'll magic them looser"
they are certainly NOT transparent either
they are TRANSLUCENT.
therefore they should be called TRANSLUCENT BRA STRAPS!
and why do you wear these translucent bra straps which serve no purpose!
other than holding up your bra of course
AND not letting anybody see that something holding up your bra
but we can see them perfectly fine!
there they are those oh unsightly lines
shimmering in the light
supposedly TRANSSSSPARENT
ooooh, we can't see your bra straps!
let me put this to you with a bad example
imagine your husband/dying rich old man(eee) is undressing you on your wedding night
to consummate your marriage of course
you feel tired, but great, for some hot action later.
you two are making out on the bed, and you love him dearly
he starts sliding the straps of your magnificent gown off one shoulder
you feel the other strap slipping down your shoulder too
you two kiss some more and do whatever you two do
he starts licking and kissing your neck, slowly, sensuously
he's going down now, oh there he goes, you're moaning
he reaches the smooth skin of your shoulder, still kissing
then suddenly "EEEEEK!!!!!"
"WHY DID I TASTE PLASTIC? WHAT IS THIS?"
"it's a translucent bra strap honey."
"ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
oh for god's sake get yourself a strapless bra if youre big(pun) enough
if youre not big(ha ha) enough then dont start wearing strappy or strapless tops
stick to tees, tank tops, blouses, flowers whatever!
or heck just layer your clothes with a colored bra!!!
julia roberts in erin brockovich looked not bad what!
quit using these things!
Wednesday, March 23
It's there.
I can feel it.
A lump.
I woke up in the evening
to the sounds of Beethoven playing
I lay back down on the pillow
and I felt it.
The lump.
The lump of boredom.
At the back of the head.
It appears,
When you have nothing to do
and everyone has everything to finish
When you want to go out
and nobody can
When you realise you miss the buzz of people
When you realise you miss the strain of stress
When you realise you have no missed calls
When you are alone at home,
alone with the computer
A*Teens, ABBA, Alicia Keys, Ashanti, Audioslave
Backstreet Boys(!), Barenaked Ladies, Beach Boys, Bee Gees, Billy Joel
Black Eyed Peas, Bon Jovi, Bond, Busted, The Calling,
past Coldplay's melancholic tunes
past Eminem's rapping
past Ludwig van Beethoven's symphonies
its at Moby's Natural Blues now
very appropriate.
It's still there.
I can feel it.
The lump.
Tuesday, March 22
i am very angry with the drink coffee!
look at this - coffee TABLES.
coffee demands a table for itself!
its the only drink that has a table for itself!
now how fair and selfish is that?
what about poor iced lemon tea?
why aren't there iced lemon tea tables?
why does it have to share a table with other drinks.
or even milo?
why aren't there any milo tables too?
there's milo cup, milo van, milo nuggets, milo underwear whatever
but why no milo table?
why does only coffee have its own table!??!
very soon every drink is going to demand a table for itself!
then we'll have lots of tables around our houses!
AND WE'LL HAVE NO PLACE TO PUT OUR SHOES!!!!!!!!
come to think about it,
I WILL HAVE NO PLACE TO HANG THE GREEN SHIRTS THAT I WEAR EVERY FRIDAY TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
stupid coffee!
Thursday, March 17
it is very easy to categorise the different types of guys
ass
assholes
bigger assholes
even bigger assholes
ass
this is the fundamental category. there are no good guys. Girls worldwide from Afghanistan ("??????? ????!") to Iraq ("SADDAM SUCKS!") to Zimbabwe ("Ngkung Buckui!") have proclaimed that there are 'no good guys in this world', much to the irritation of us guys. Look, we held the door open for you okay! We pulled out the chair! Isn't that nice enough already??!
Anyway, every guy is an ass because they have an ass and are naughty by nature. And every guy, being naughty, probably has masturbated before and is thus guilty of murder. Masturbation is murder! They have murdered millions of innocent sperm cells that could produce more asses with their fantasies!
assholes
Guys who are an asshole usually irritate others. Male Chauvinistic Pigs (MCPs) go into here because they rule the office like a pig would do and irritate the whole office. Males like Superman go into here too because he irritates and gives fashion critics heart attacks by wearing his underwear outside, and gives hygiene junkies heart attacks too by never changing his underwear. Flying around in the air and destroying civilian buidings for no reason while fighting some monster when just kicking the monster in the balls would have sufficed is also irritating behaviour. Any other boy or Ah Beng you know who has worn a pink tee out goes into here too.
bigger assholes
your friendly class nerd, flirts, gay boys, metrosexuals, George W. Bush and his friends go into here. Essentially the more 'jialat' or handsome ones. Guys which girls think are cute and get all the attention from them go into here too.
Jon Jonsson - some Manhunt winner whatever
Guys, which one of you think he's handsome??
he's crap isn't he.
HE'S A WUSS!!!!!!!!! (more pictures)
GORGEOUS MY FOOT!!
I THINK HE LOOKS LIKE A FOOT ACTUALLY!!!
there!
Gay boys warrant a place here simply because I'm homophobic and I don't like the way they talk. And metrosexuals tend to be skincare whores. If there's one at a department store beauty counter and they see me they'll go "Oh boyyy, this cream will help make your skin more beauuutiful" and that makes me angry so they go into here too. Look, we are guys, and even though you all say using moisturizer is good (and I have one at home) we buffoons are too clumsy and disgusting to use your stupid moisturizer! Stop promoting your moisturizer to us guys! We think Coke is a moisturizer!
They say "treat nerds well, you will work for one next time" which I think is rubbish because they don't have the authority honestly, but they score top marks everytime and make the rest of us guys who are busy being clumsy and disgusting look bad and get earfuls from our parents, and therefore are bigger assholes too.
George and his good friends Osama and Saddam go into here also purely because they talk loads of rubbish on TV.
even bigger assholes
stupid lecturers who downgrade you just because you're late for class go here.
Monday, March 14
girls have lots of secrets.
which guys will never know.
most guys have only one secret,
which is probably who they masturbate to,
or whether they secretly look for naked pictures of Sailormoon on Google.
i was on the bus home just now
when these girls from a girls' school clambered up
and plonked themselves down behind me
all was okay until they started talking
which was like 30 secs after they sat down
okay i just wanted to waste a couple of lines
i overheard them, naturally
and being the kaypoh person that i am i listened.
and they were talking about their trip to Mount Faber one night
after that they progressed into what they and a few girls did
kissing, touching, hands here and there
not on the bus though, (that would be wonderful actually)
but in their accounts of what they did on Mount Faber
"are you going out with her?"
"i can't confirm now leh..."
innocuous statements they seem,
i'll type out more.
"i think she loves you..."
"are you practicing kissing?"
"Zi Qing's girlfriend is terrible!"
"my hands were...there...you know."
usually when i overhear,
or eavesdrop as cynical people might say,
girls complain about bitches, bras, boyfriends
girls talk about problems, troubles, relationships
this was something unusual. and different.
but interesting.
i don't advocate homosexuality
it gives me the creeps
it makes the world look so bleak
or maybe its because i havent eaten all day
i don't advocate pedophilia too
but that doesnt give me the creeps
i have no idea whats the point of writing that but never mind
i'm lazy to press backspace to delete that
tell me your secrets
and ask me your questions
npbody said it was easy.
sorry i'm listening to Coldplay
this is a rather unfocused and pointless entry i know
but never mind. i don't care!
girls schools, lesbians, sexual encounters, tangled love webs.
its a complicated world out there.
[add]
AND GODDAMNIT MACROMEDIA FLASH IS SO BLOODY HARD AND COMPLICATED TO USE WHY THIS IS A THREAT I'LL UNINSTALL YOU BLOODY DAMNED PROGRAM UNLESS YOU LET ME CREATE A PROPER MOTION TWEEN
it's still a complicated world out there isn't it. HAIIIIIIII
[/add]
Thursday, March 10
i think there's generally a few main types of girls in the world
serious girls
scary girls
happy girls
normal girls
unhappy girls
sporty girls
funny girls
disgusting girls
sexy girls
boring girls
sluts, bitches, whores, etc
serious girls
Business-y, lawyer-ly, beautiful tall leggy girls fall into this category. They, in the prim and proper stuffy office attire, all that business jargon and all that office politics schtick. They're talk with a sharp edge to a voice. They're not warm at all. All they care about is their work and getting stressed up all the time isn't exactly appealing. Either that or they're taller than the guy or far too beautiful till they seem intimidating. They're no fun.
scary girls
Scary girls are different. But I don't like them too. These girls are usually mad. They're crazy. They're like the weather. One minute they can be a Serious girl. The next minute they can be an Unhappy girl and yelling at you just because they didn't like you looking at them. Either that or all they know is shopping and shopping and buying shoes. I admit guys will never understand why girls need 1001 shoes and 1001 bags but these crazy girls need 10001 shoes and 10001 bags. And 1000001 tops and skirts. They're scary. Girls who go clubbing every other day or those who yell "AYUMI!" or "JAY!" or "GUANTANAMERA!" are scary too.
happy girls
Happy girls. These are bouncy, ditzy, loud, cute girls. Everybody loves them. You love them, I love them, they love them, everybody loves them, nobody hates them. Just talking to them can make you happy. They have so much energy! You just want to hug and kiss them but that would be rather inappropriate for guys. And if another girl started hugging and kissing these Happy girls they would become a Unhappy girl. Happy girls are easy to please. They love art and keep diaries. Boys just love them. They're so polite and good natured, and they really appreciate every little thing you do. They never get upset! They're smiling even when they're supposed to be angry! Oh you get the idea.
normal girls
I have no idea what a Normal girl is like.
unhappy girls
Unhappy girls. a la Avril Lavigne, Emily Strange, Annie Lennox. They always seem to have problems. They're always angry. All the time they're complaining, wearing black looking perpetually angry or depressed. Everytime they're moaning something like, 'I have personal problems', 'I feel sick', 'I'm hungry', 'my thong is flossing my ass', 'the weather is too hot' etc. They keep scolding you. I don't know about butches and lesbians but they seem perpetually pissed to me too. They hate their parents, they hate boys, they hate George W. Bush, they hate Osama, they hate Mickey Mouse, they hate everybody and everything. They're into Wicca, voodoo, tarot cards, tattoos and piercings, Marilyn Manson, computer programming all that unhappy, dark, scary stuff. They're just not happy.
sporty girls
Sporty girls! Many boys go gaga over these bronzed girls. They're very very alluring with their shorts, jerseys, boardshorts and bikinis. And boys do connect easier and better with these girls when they're interested in some sport. Like soccer. Guys do like it when a girl doesnt moan or interrupt when a soccer match is on and help in cheering instead. Guys do it like too when he can say something like "THAT ARSENAL PLAYER PIRES WAS CONFIRM OFFSIDE!!!! F*CKING REFEREE ANDERS FRISK!!!" and girls can understand perfectly and share sentiments. Guys like seeing girls in bikinis in the first place anyway. But girls who buy everything Roxy has are Scary girls
funny girls
Funny girls are girls that are funny. Like Missy Elliot who I think sings weird songs. They take weird photos of them in funny poses, they hide people's shoes, they box and pinch you, they scream in class for no reason, they talk rubbish and laugh hysterically, they're daring, they're fun to be with. Some funny girls wear funny clothes too. Like horizontally striped tops and vertically striped shorts to school, with mistchmatching green and pink ankle socks. These funny girls are the 'on' bunch - they're up for anything! Funny girls also know how to act well. They're the best people to look for when you want to pull someone's leg because they have lots of crazy ideas. Funny girls tend to like big bangle earrings and oddly colored socks.
disgusting girls
Disgusting girls don't shave. Or they're too fat and big. They're not exactly pleasing to the eye. You get the idea. They're not the pick of the bunch obviously and this is a mean category to put them into but these have to end up somewhere don't they? For some reason lots of Sexy girls aspire to be in this category by constantly asking guys "Do I look fat?" or "Do I look ugly" or "Do I look like an auntie". NO YOU DO NOT. You are not and never will be a Disgusting girl. and no guy is going to commit suicide anyway by saying "Yes" even if they think you're the most awful person to look at because then most girls turn into a Scary one and guys are much more scared of those kind of girls than Disgusting ones.
sexy girls
Sexy girls are the opposite of Disgusting girls. They're the desirable ones, although not in the same vein as the tanned Sporty ones. They're the ones concerned about dolling themselves up and forever losing weight. Ask them about beauty products and they can rattle off moisturizers, cleansers, scrubs, face masks, toners, exfoliators, mascara, foundation all that. They also have keen eyes for finding their small little tubes of beauty products. The other day someone asked me to help pick up some 'whitening sunscreen moisturizer' and I had a hard time finding that little tube.
"Okay no this is the wrong moisturizer, that area is eyeshadow, this is some mysterious cream, that's another mysterious cream, maybe on the next shelf, ah no here's the hair removal stuff already..." However these girls tend to have confidence, are the most liberal and snazziest dressers.
boring girls
Boring girls are quiet. They're content to sit there doing their work silently and let life pass by. They're efficient, but rather unassertive, and I tend to think of them as people who make up the numbers sometimes. I mean, they're valuable people, but they're people whom you'll forget once you lose contact with them. The ones you're not close with I suppose. The ones too distant to classify as one of the other types. Aiya I'm lazy to type already please let me off its 3.21am...boring girls are just....boring.
sluts, bitches, whores, etc
we all know how these girls are like
I like Funny girls. I like the fact that they do wacky stuff and make me smile. I hope I can marry a Funny girl someday.
Monday, March 7
Wednesday, March 2
have you noticed how guys walk? i do. okay so you're sitting there thinking i'm some kind of pervert who stares at every person's feet and follow them around to see how they walk but no i dhon't do that. okay maybe once or twice. but i've seen the way some guys walk and its bloody getting on my nerves!
Look at the video. Ever notice how some guys walk like this?!! FOR GOD'S SAKE WHAT IS THIS?! are they on springs or heels or what? and i've noticed the behaviour of the guys that walk like this - they act in a way similar to gays. or you know the way guys in the fashion industry act. all the darrrr-ling and that drawl in their voices and whatever garbage. THIS IS THE WAY THEY WALK I THINK. And you have these guys in school whom you see with girls EVERYTIME with their super white stupid adidas shoes with those colored stripes which I frankly think are passe and look stupid.
Stereotyping and sweeping statements poppycock but who cares! I don't care I'm throwing all that out of the window! I think guys who walk like that are all gays and chao ah guas! and I ostracize gays! although they're always around girls which might not be a bad thing though.
This is how proper guys should walk. it comes to you natually. They teach you this in the army, boys brigade, scouts, NCC, NPCC, PCC, ABC, 123 everywhere too. only in countries like China where stomping your feet and walking like robots or in Krygryzstan where they twirl around in circles and shout 'gobbedlygook!' when they march they call it marching. Otherwise the rest of the world march and mumble 'left right left right' repetitively or in Singapore's case 'lerb rite luve rite lub ritee lebbbbbb' or 'i love mickey mouse' or whatever. but the point is nobody, NOBODY, NOBODYYYYYYYYY teaches you to walk on your toes.
so to recap:
and you should never walk like that.
otherwise you're a faggoty chao ah gua who wears white adidas striped shoes with no hair on your legs. if you're are a female then its perfectly fine to walk like this becuase girls tend to be bouncier in more than one area but guys should be bouncy in one area only. BOUNCY IN ONE AREA. stupid chao ah guas who get on my nerves everytime i see them walk by.
Tuesday, March 1
when was the last time you drew this? A house, two windows and a door, with a car, flowers or a tree, clouds, a spiky sun, M-shaped or V-shaped birds, people standing with arms wide open...when was it?
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