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The Friday 1.54am News
Thursday, September 29
To start off today's outdated entertainment news/rubbish, we'll have a big picture of Christina Ricci (who?) that will force you to have to scroll down to continue reading. If you find yourself not needing to scroll at all because your monitor is the newest highest resolution piece of......technology...then you can go screw yourself or something you bloody geek. Okay I'll admit it I'm jealous. Now scroll it.
Image: TheSuperficial.com
Today's top story - an old lady was spotted at some dumb awards ceremony urinating on the carpet while walking backwards (see big irritating picture). The old lady was later identified by police as one of the members of the Addams Family who was on her way to a funeral but got lost on the way. She was asked to go urine in the ladies' the right way round eventually. A guy wearing a grey robe and a pointed hat with a long beard said "Good job, old woman! Urinating in public places is neat!"
C-list Hollywood celebrity Christina Ricci tried to steal the limelight from the old lady by wearing an awful dress and an equally awful pair of golden heels. I don't care if they're golden and designed by some French gay guy, my design training tells me gold does not go with white and pink (or maroon or mauve or whatever girls call that color) and not to wear shoes by gay guys. And if I had a giant mole in the middle of my breasts I'd wear anything but awful pink/maroon/mauve dresses with big holes in them. Seriously, she'd really be better off wearing Wednesday Addams' black frock again and covering it up rather than this. And that gigantic forehead too.
This is Wednesday Addams who Ricci acted as when she was younger. She was okay when she young. What happened to her now? But who cares anyway.
In other news that people care about, Angelina Jolie as we all know is a gothic wacko but nobody really cares because well, she IS Angelina Jolie. But can some psychiatrist sit down with this wacko and explain to her that if she goes on being Wonder Wacko Woman and adopting some new kid from some country you've never heard of every other week (she has 2 or 3 now I think), her 'Super F***ing Hot Angelina Jolie' gene will NEVER be passed down!!!! That'll be like a...a....global disaster!!!!! THIS CANNOT HAPPEN! Someone hide the condoms from her and Brad
Here she is with her adopted Cambodian kid Maddox, if you can tear your eyes away from Jolie long enough. Where's your nose son? Didn't mommy tell you not to put weird things in your mouth? Anyway, that's it now for the 1.54am news. Have a good weekend. :) (Look, my smiley has no nose too!)
Spot The Idiot
Sunday, September 25
Today we will play everybody's 2nd favourite game (after Sheep Counting of course) - Spot The Idiot!
My (cute) secondary school classmate Kelly created this nice collage of pictures she took back then, which for her were some of her best days. My best days in secondary school are those days where I ponned CCA and stupid footdrill and slept at home on Saturday morning! Ha! Left right kebelakang cepat jalan your head ah!
Anyway, there's a picture in the collage that's VERY VERY VERY out of place among all the pretty girls and charming smiles. Can you find it?
Tweenish
Thursday, September 22
What do you get when you cross an elephant and an undertaker? A broken coffin and hearse? A wrestling match? A whole lot of bang wham shoosh slam bam ding dong kapow? Or a mysterious dark fella riding through the cemetery in the night?
Okay let's put that all away for now. That was dumb. But you do get something when you cross online chatting programs and tweens who want to be the super duper uber coolest person on the planet and invent their own bang wham shoosh slam bam ding dong kapowed-up language and lingo. I think I'll call this bang wham shoosh slam bam ding dong kapow mangled up stuff Tweenish.
miis euu ?.. *yawnn* hahax x
sho long tym diin contact lerr hehex x
budd.. neber mind.. cux HOLIDAE cummiin ler
start WORKIN ler.. hehex X
cannot go find job first horx..
mux work tgt horx..
or else ii * ahh' biish * euu =)
miis de tym we all work tgt..
holidae mux contact us le..
OR ELSE....! ! hurhurr~
we BOOM uur fone..hehex x
stae cute woorx I look at the passage, and I have to look at it again to realise that among the diin's and biish's its something about someone telling someone not to find a job too soon otherwise that person's phone will end up being boom-ed. Whatever booming the phone is.
YoYo !!!! Mi lOnG LoSt PrI
ScH FrZ KeEkEeX !!! BuT nW fOuNd le
GdGd ThAnKs 4 aDdInG =)
TiS HoLiDaE LeTs mEeT Up sUm dAe
N Go oUt !!! YeAyEa ... hMmHmM
ShEsHeShE ErM... KiNd , fRiEnDlY,
CuTe !!! TaKeCaRe!!! CyA sOoN For this one I took very long to read it. Because I had to read it very slowly. Because it was so bloody hard to read. Because you have to process every single letter in your mind and piece them all together to get a word, which after using so much brain juice happens to be 'Keekeex'. That's not cool.
imisseuuushooomuchiexxx then we have the long elongated word combined with some Tweenish. Which actually looks kinda cool for a while but when you see everything the person has typed is like that you wonder whether that person's spacebar is working.
Now I'm not a stickler for perfect English. I don't really speak proper English. But I do get irritated when I see horrendous mistakes though like 'GOOD NEW!' instead of 'GOOD NEWS!'. Gross. But I'm digressing here. Anyway, I am one for basic proper typing though. I like people to type properly. I can't stand it when people misuse symbols excessively like the curved line or tilde (~). In the Internet chatting world that stupid thing is used to represent sarcasm or approximation. I don't know why people use it as a dash or a line or to end a sentence.
Another thing, why do people have to attach a 'x' or 'z' to the end of some words? What's the pointzzz? Juz becox I have this at the endzzz doesnt mean I'm coolx. I believe Mickey Mouse invented 'fo shizzle my fizzle' and that's cool. And I believe some boyband crazy girl invented 'he sho shuaizz worxx!' and that's not cool. I don't know how many of you have read the (very truthful) rant about improper typing someone typed out and forwarded in emails or posted on Friendster bulletin boards, but I agree with every single word he says.
Back when I was in secondary school and IRC was the rage and all that, the worst I saw was the BiG-sMaLL s+|cKyC4pS letter thing and replacing some alphabets with numbers. Like
1 or | = I
2 = Z
3 = E
4 = A
5 = S
6 = G
7 = T/L
8 = B
9 = g/R??
0 = O
177 = M
and so on. So Loverboi becomes 70v3980|. Which is crap because nobody can really make out the nickname when that fella comes messaging you 'HiHi InTrO pLs?~~~~~~~'. I used to type very rude replies to things like this because I found it very intrusive. A conversation would be like
<70v3980|> HiHi InTrO pLs?~~~~~~~
<70v3980|> 16m
<`Kok> no intro
<`Kok> get lost
and the person would always have to ask 'y???' and I would be typing /quit very soon after that. Anyway that was the worst of it - none of this new rubbish some people are using these days. I don't know how to end this entry though so I'll just say I'm ending this. But you can be sure I won't end it with lots of curly lines.
The Kok Guide to Central Asia
Friday, September 16
click for larger image
My Economics lecturer predicts that Central Asia will be the next 'hot' area with booming economies and trade, probably as a result of China's opening up of its markets and unpegging of the RMB and India's growing economy. She says we might be doing lots of business and have lots of investments there in 5-10 years' time so what better to do then write a guide to the area for you now? :)
Kazakhstan
9th largest country in the world. Has no economy, no government, probably no police too. The only stuff in that country are some old men who try to eat their foot everyday, a portable toilet and some sheep. Unlike close neighbours Russia who are famed for producing explosives, goddesses who play tennis, and generally all round nice guys like Josef Stalin who make intelligent quotes such as 'A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic,', Kazakhstan's most famous fella is called...called...erm...well I don't know, but he probably is famous because he managed to eat his foot. Tourists stop by this country to use the toilet. For some bizarre reason there's a Pokemon that sounds like this country.
Uzbekistan
Shitty country. Somewhere in the map, right beside that other shitty country. Has no economy, no government, probably no police too. Like Kazakhstan. I don't know what's the point of this country and the only time they'll appear in the news will be when they finally see that merging with another pointless country like Kazakhstan, who at least have a toilet, is the best thing they should do. Bizarrely, Koreans can be found in the country. Rumour has it that they dropped off from a passing hurricane.
Turkmenistan
A country that all the turkeys went to after Turkey was invaded by humans. Ha ha ha. Okay seriously the entire country is run by some dude called Saparmurat Niyazov, who happens to be the world's only President for Life (fanciful name for dictator) after Saddam Hussein turned senile and started trying to bury himself alive in the ground. And nobody really gives a damn about what Robert Mugabe does with Zimbabwe anyway. If you think I'm narcissistic and take too many pictures look at Niyazov. His face adorns almost everything in Turkmenistan, from banknotes to bottles of vodka, and he'd probably have his face on rubbish bins and tattooed on people's butts if he wanted.
Kyrgyzstan
Country everybody has to look up to check the spelling and find out where the hell it is and the main reason why lexicographers (the nerd who writes the dictionary) still have a job. Capital is called Bishkek and probably has cities or towns called Aasdhasdj, Yuieyqtiouji, Feuiaryiujk, Ssjhskhkjkj, and Qweiuiuwmn. The national language is Gibberish and according to Wikipedia around 70% of the population tend sheep, horses, and yaks. Aspiring sheep counters can head to the country for a job.
Tajikstan
see Uzbekistan.
These 3 countries below are not really part of Central Asia but since they're colored in the map I have to waste my energy and talk about about them too.
Georgia
The most proper country of the lot because they actually sound like a nice little country. There's a font called Georgia, there's an American state named Georgia, there's some coffee brand named Georgia Club Express you find in vending machines that tastes like drain water, they're just tucked there and nobody really bothers about them. But Georgians probably have some of the biggest names in the world. Let's look at the names of their football players: Zurab Khizanishvili, Zurabs Menteshashvili, Kakhaber Aladashvili, Kakhaber Chketiani, Georgi Demetradze. Announcer's biggest nightmare.
Armenia
I don't know what Armenians are doing in Singapore. There must be some around here because there's some street called Armenian Street isn't there? There must be quite a substantial number too - I saw a book about Armenians in Singapore at the library the other day. Maybe they come for the beach! Armenia seems to be landlocked in the map and has no beach or seaside at all - terrible! Probably the only thing they have there is the Army which is why they call themselves Army-ah!
Azerbaijan
Rubbish at soccer. Lose almost every match they play. I think the national sport over there is nose-digging.
Declaration
Thursday, September 15
Today I found myself in a karaoke room of all places with 4 happy goons who for some reason kept picking songs probably nobody except people in Kyrgyzstan have heard before. After emerging from that room 4 hours later and discovering that Aerosmith's I Don't Want To Miss A Thing is a great song to give you a sore throat, I have this to say.
I WILL WHACK WHOEVER CUTS MY BEATLES OR BEE GEES SONGS DURING KARAOKE SESSIONS
I WILL WHACK WHOEVER CUTS MY BEATLES OR BEE GEES SONGS DURING KARAOKE SESSIONS
I WILL WHACK WHOEVER CUTS MY BEATLES OR BEE GEES SONGS DURING KARAOKE SESSIONS
I WILL WHACK WHOEVER CUTS MY BEATLES OR BEE GEES SONGS DURING KARAOKE SESSIONS
I WILL WHACK WHOEVER CUTS MY BEATLES OR BEE GEES SONGS DURING KARAOKE SESSIONS
I WILL WHACK WHOEVER CUTS MY BEATLES OR BEE GEES SONGS DURING KARAOKE SESSIONS
I WILL WHACK WHOEVER CUTS MY BEATLES OR BEE GEES SONGS DURING KARAOKE SESSIONS
I WILL WHACK WHOEVER CUTS MY BEATLES OR BEE GEES SONGS DURING KARAOKE SESSIONS
I WILL WHACK WHOEVER CUTS MY BEATLES OR BEE GEES SONGS DURING KARAOKE SESSIONS
I WILL WHACK WHOEVER CUTS MY BEATLES OR BEE GEES SONGS DURING KARAOKE SESSIONS
I WILL WHACK WHOEVER CUTS MY BEATLES OR BEE GEES SONGS DURING KARAOKE SESSIONS
I WILL WHACK WHOEVER CUTS MY BEATLES OR BEE GEES SONGS DURING KARAOKE SESSIONS
I WILL WHACK WHOEVER CUTS MY BEATLES OR BEE GEES SONGS DURING KARAOKE SESSIONS
I WILL WHACK WHOEVER CUTS MY BEATLES OR BEE GEES SONGS DURING KARAOKE SESSIONS
I WILL WHACK WHOEVER CUTS MY BEATLES OR BEE GEES SONGS DURING KARAOKE SESSIONS
I KNOW I CAN'T SING BUT LET ME FINISH YESTERDAY OR NIGHT FEVER AT LEAST!!! DAMNIT
who cares about titles
Tuesday, September 13
This will not seem to be a normal post because I wrote it in a way that is not normal. I typed this out half awake in the middle on the night, lying on the wrong side of the bed - my feet were on the pillow - and the rabbit beside me with its paws on the laptop. I will paste to you some of what the rabbit typed here - "nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmvvvvvvvvvvbbbbvvv,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,". Lovely. I think it wanted food. Anyway, I got the rabbit to move aside, got up all groggy, played some Coldplay song (I think it was 'In My Place') and started writing the stuff below. And even though I typed it half awake all of it is true!
I read this week's 8 Days 0 Days after it was released on Wednesday which means that I read this week's 8 Days 7 Days after the last issue. Which is better than reading it 6 Days after it comes out and 1 Day before a new 8 Days comes out 1 Day later. And I have identified a TTWWWMNA (Thing the whole wide world must know about) - If you think I'm skinny look at that bloody Singapore Idol punk Sylvester Sim. Do you know that Sylvester Sim wears Size 25 pants/jeans? *make all your gasping sounds now* Or maybe he's so small he doesnt need pants. *gasp again here* Maybe he just wears those long socks that go until the knee which footballers wear. ha ha ha. *gasp!* And I think he and Maia split *gasp!* because he's probably small *gasp!* somewee dickelse (sorry typo) *gasp!* too and knowing the rocker that Maia is she probably wasn't sastified. Ha! *gasp again!*. But more importantly, I LEFT THAT 8DAYS AT MY FRIEND'S HOUSE! @!@#&*% *gasp!!!*
You are to catch your breath now and ready yourself for more gasping because I still have another TTWWWMNA to tell you. I HAVE LEG HAIR!!!! *GASP!!!!!!*
The 5th Today We Will Count Sheep Day
Saturday, September 10
This blog here recognises the worldwide shortage of sheep counters, hence we are honored to be bringing you the 5th Today We Will Count Sheep Day. The world needs more trained sheep counters! Think of what would happen if we didn't have enough properly trained sheep counters - we would miscount our sheep and get angry and start bombing trains or flying planes into buildings, and even worse, lose mahjong games!!! TERRIBLE!!!
Anyway, this picture is very easy though - don't be shy or lazy, count and leave an answer in the comments. :)
we are the champions
Tuesday, September 6
I've paid my dues
Time after time
I've done my sentence
But committed no crime
And bad mistakes
I've made a few
I've had my share of sand
Kicked in my face
But I've come through
And I need to go on and on and on and on
We are the champions - my friends
And we'll keep on fighting till the end
We are the champions
We are the champions
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions of the world
I've taken my bows
And my curtain calls
You've brought me fame and fortune
And everything that goes with it
I thank you all
But it's been no bed of roses no pleasure cruise
I consider it a challenge before the whole human race
And I ain't gonna lose
And I need to go on and on and on and on
We are the champions - my friend
And we'll keep on fighting till the end
We are the champions
We are the champions
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions of the world
right-click, 'save target as' to download
toilet conversations.
Friday, September 2
On Tuesday, I went to the loo before a test to do some business with the urinal (I'm a business student) when I see my statistics lecturer there.
My lecturer is at Urinal A and obviously I, out of the most basic decency every straight guy should have, go to Urinal D. And while I'm trying to mind my own erm, business, my lecturer, who was minding his own business too, sees me and turns to me with a big smile on his face and asks me "HOW KOK KAI?! CAN OR NOT?!!"
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