kokkai

6

2011-02-13T08:01:00.001-08:00

http://img834.imageshack.us/i/94803481.jpg/

2011: A New Dawn

2011-01-02T07:55:00.001-08:00

In 2010 I traveled to Sydney, Australia. One morning I dragged myself out of bed at 5:30am, flagged a cab and rushed to Sydney Harbour so I could catch the sun rise. It was a tranquil moment - one of the most enduring memories of the year.

In 2011 I could find myself living in Sydney. Nothing's set in stone yet, but it's something I'm exploring. In some ways this picture is a symbolic representation of what I hope 2011 will have in store - a new dawn in a new country. We'll wait and see if what I'm planning works out eventually.

In any case, the sun has long set over this blog - I've had new dawns elsewhere on the web and in life generally. I recently developed an interest in traveling and travel photography, posting pictures up at:

Tumblr: http://kokkai.tumblr.com
Flickr: http://www.flickr.com/photos/kokkaing/
Krop (a portfolio site): http://www.krop.com/kokkai/

Here's wishing you a great and enriching 2011. I'll see you around.

Where’s Girl-With-Bikini-Top-Untied?

2010-08-20T22:52:00.000-07:00

There is a girl sunbathing with her bikini top untied. Can you spot her?

Larger image: http://www.flickr.com/photos/ziopaperino/494137346/sizes/l/in/photostream/

Facebook: I just don't understand it.

2010-04-01T08:42:00.000-07:00

What's better than pancakes?

2010-03-29T08:53:00.000-07:00

Pancakes that look like boobs.

Daddy, why is the sky blue?

2010-03-06T10:30:00.000-08:00

Because Daddy used the wrong white balance setting.

Obituary

2010-03-02T04:08:00.000-08:00

RIP BUNNY
Circa 2002 - 2 March 2010

Destroyer of chairs and laptops
Connoisseur of newspapers and rubber bands
Vigilant poop and urinating machine
Always hungry, always naughty
And very dearly missed

As I was leaving the house for work this morning I saw her lying on her side, motionless. I tried feeding her some medicine but she wasn't taking any of it in. Deep down inside I knew her time was almost up. I patted her and stroked her soft fur one last time, trying my best to memorize the silky touch before I left.

She was suffering from a jaw infection. It had spread to her left leg a few days back. I guess being mentally prepared helped lessen the inevitable blow. A text from my dad arrived while I was at work in the afternoon. It was short and concise: "Bunny gone @ 2pm"

When I reached home in the evening her cage was empty and cleaned already. Rigor mortis had set in and ants were circling when my parents found her earlier.

Initially they took her body to a quiet spot near the cemetery. My mom even brought joss sticks along! Dad tried to dig a hole but couldn't with the damp soil.

They abandoned that plan and searched for another spot. After circling for 2 hours, they found a bin behind a Sheng Siong supermarket full of discarded vegetables. Not the ideal burial spot, but it was symbolic enough I guess. They lay her among the vegetables and spread food pellets and hay all over her. Mom chanted a few prayers and they left her behind.

RIP Pet Rabbit. You have left us, but I hope you're in bunny heaven now gorging on all the food you want and peeing anywhere you like. But don't go pee on Mr God! I don't want him complaining to me when I see you up there (hopefully) many years from now!

I'm tearing up a little and should go lie down now.

It's just a rabbit, but like many pet owners we have a strong emotional bond developed over the years. She's taken some of my deepest, darkest secrets to her grave. Thank you for reading this sappy stuff, for your kind messages and remember to treasure your friends, family and pets.

The world's best beer: Skinny Blonde

2010-02-28T02:16:00.001-08:00

A guy walks into a bar. He orders a beer. Beer has hot blonde clad in red bikini on the label. Guy finishes beer. Blonde on label rewards guy by stripping her bikini off. True story.

Skinny Blonde beer uses ink that disappears with heat - and beer - to create this cheeky marketing ploy. The brainchild of Hamish Rosser, who plays the drums for Australian rockers The Vines, and his mates – actor Richie Harkham and artist Jarrod Taylor – it was a “drunken idea that actually worked.”

“It’s a really popular beer, more in the bottle than on tap,” says Crystal Lee, a barmaid at Bondi’s Beach Road Hotel, the first pub in Australia to serve Skinny Blonde.

“But that’s to do with the fact that the chick’s bikinis come off when people drink it,” she adds.

The beer, which has an alcohol content of 5.2%, is equally as popular among men and women – men for the bikini factor and women for the taste and the fact that it's a low-carb ‘healthy’ beer.

I'm not much of a beer drinker, but that might change if they start stocking Skinny Blonde here. Skinny Blonde is currently available primarily in Sydney, although it is possible to work out a deal with The Beer Store if you're desperate for an entertaining party drink.

(via The Times)

What's white and smells like Minnie Mouse?

2010-02-27T03:26:00.001-08:00

MICKEY'S FINGER!

(adapted from @GPappalardo)

Kitten porn

2010-02-27T03:20:00.000-08:00

Why you should chase your pets out of the room before you get kinky.

(via kryz)

Apparently I run some kind of porn blog

2010-02-26T04:40:00.000-08:00

Exhibit A

The graphic above illustrates to you keywords people used to find this lousy blog. Common searches include masturbation, sex, and foot fetish couple Kai Kai and Dar Dar, who have sex on their special day for 192 times. Apparently I'm running some kind of cheap porn blog here.

Exhibit B

This graphic here shows you that this blog you're reading is currently the Number 1 resource on Google for "kok we have sex". My mom will be so proud when she finds out.

Exhibit C

For no particular reason I suddenly post a picture of a naked Miranda Kerr arching her back while reclining on a couch.

Thank you all for your patronage and I hope to bring you more quality porn in the near future.

"We have sex on our special day for 192 times."

2010-02-25T02:00:00.000-08:00

Here's a brazen Singaporean couple that isn't shy about displaying their fetish and sexual exploits on the web.

On their blog, http://kailing86.blogspot.com, the guy, who goes by the pet name Dar Dar, openly displays a fondness for having his toes sucked on by his girlfriend, Kai Kai.

Dar Dar also makes outrageous claims like having sex 192 times on their anniversary, and 113 times at a hotel during a Christmas celebration.

Kai Kai doesn't deny sexual activity on her part. On the tag board, she writes, "I'm not scared of sucking his toes," and describes performing various sexual acts like rimming and fellatio.

Naturally, the couple has attracted flak from netizens. Visitors have left comments labeling Dar Dar as "ugly" and "psychotic", and the couple as being in a "disastrous relationship".

Local celebrity blogger Xiaxue picked up on this and tweeted about them, which led to a barrage of hateful messages left on their tag board. The couple have since restricted access to their blog. Certain entries are still viewable through Google's cache of the website.

Eagle-eyed readers have suggested that this could be the work of a possessive, jilted Dar Dar. Several angry posts written in January 2010 clearly express his displeasure at Kai Kai going out with male friends.

They appear to have patched up their differences though, with recent posts showing the couple enjoying a Valentine's Day date together, and Dar Dar describing having sex more than 200 times.

Responding to comments, Kai Kai describes Dar Dar as "a very perfect and good boyfriend", while Dar Dar labels detractors as "jealous".

An unusual, loving display of affection, or extremely ill-advised? You decide.

Celebrities are weird

2010-02-24T02:12:00.001-08:00

“I don't like boys. They're kind of annoying.”

Michelle Wie

“I really hate vaginas. I'm allergic to vaginas.”

Robert Pattinson

“I have not had a woman appear in my dreams sexually without a paparazzi in the dream too.”

John Mayer

**“F*ck i just fell off of my chair, slammed my head into the wall and heard the back of my skull crack. theres a dent in it now!”**

Tila Tequila tweets about her skull cracking

“The revolutionary use of directed energy has the potential to attack multiple targets at the speed of light with Pure love!”

Spencer Pratt blabbers on Twitter

Hello girls, you are beautiful

2010-02-22T10:35:00.000-08:00

A few weeks back some dude named Joshua Amar started a movement on Facebook to tell women that they’re beautiful.

Amar writes: “It has come to my attention that as I grow older, girls get more and more self conscious of themselves. This hurts me, because every girl is beautiful in their own way...so tell them, it’ll make their day.”

It was a nice, simple gesture that caught on and led to 1,127,229 people ‘attending’ the event, which occurred two weeks back from Feb 11 to Feb 14.

I took a liking to this too and made a mental note to send out messages on those days. Being a guy though, I naturally forgot. Guys are genetically programmed to forget important dates, only to remember many, many days later when everything’s over. Like today.

Better late than never though, so hello all you girls out there, you are beautiful in your own special way.

I think that sounded a lil' creepy...

How to find happiness

2010-02-21T00:59:00.000-08:00

Long before your time, in the southern province of China, a wise old man once said: "Money can't buy happiness. Need to win game first!"

Angry Janitor

2010-02-19T06:40:00.001-08:00

Don't be afraid to be different

2010-02-07T04:01:00.001-08:00

And don't be afraid to doodle crap like this at times you're not supposed to. Like while listening to a boring presentation.

Ok, I just wanted an excuse to post pictures of Miranda Kerr...

2010-02-05T21:03:00.000-08:00

IN THE NEWS RECENTLY: An Australian banker was caught looking at semi-nude photos of Victoria's Secret supermodel Miranda Kerr while his colleague was being interviewed on TV. Well, who can resist the womanly charms of Miss Kerr?

Keep an eye on him from 1:05 in the video.

The awesome Kerr has come out in support of the banker, saying she hopes the banker keeps his job. And yes, he kept his job. Hey, banks actually have common sense!

Now excuse me while I melt. Harrow Mizz Kerrrr....

Moms Do The Darndest Things

2010-01-28T23:52:00.000-08:00

My mom wrote 0-9 on ice cream sticks and got our rabbit to pull four out. So she'd have a "lucky" 4D number. For the record, the rabbit pulled out 5597.

Big Brother

2010-01-13T22:52:00.000-08:00

Mom hung this calendar in the bathroom. Now I feel safer knowing ministers are watching me even while I pee.

Murakami

2009-12-15T01:24:00.000-08:00

Hi because I have nothing to post today I will show my my Haruki Murakami book collection.

I have never lost money in football bets

2009-12-07T01:23:00.001-08:00

Football appears to be more about gambling than sporting skills and sportsmanship these days. What are your views?

I swore off taking bets on football matches in 2006, after a World Cup match between Ukraine and Saudi Arabia.

I had wagered on Ukraine to score four goals, and they duly delivered. They only scored the fourth goal in the dying minutes, so my girlfriend, my poor girlfriend, she had to put up with an angry, swearing boyfriend for eighty-odd minutes, and then a nervous, chattering wreck for the final ten. Maybe there’s a clue there as to why I’m single now.

In any case, I picked up $50 from the match. Measly winnings I know, but it was my first bet and my first win. I decided that if I stopped these bets right there and then, I could go around proudly proclaiming to have never lost money in football bets.

So I did. I have never lost money in football bets. And I have not lost any of that excitement that comes with watching a competitive football match.

I can understand though why someone would feel the need to put a bet on a football match. It gives them something to cheer for, and puts you on edge in an otherwise dull match. They get the bonus of collecting a sum of money at the end if they have the guile and luck.

Athletes themselves are not averse to placing a bet or two. Certain high-profile footballers in the Premier League were reported to have blown thousands of pounds on bets involving football matches and horse races, in seek of that thrill and edge one derives from a winning bet.

Football and sports in general however, has to be attractive in the first place to draw viewers – and gamblers – to it.

Viewers are first drawn to football matches not by pure boredom, but by hearing about how Cristiano Ronaldo scored that magnificent goal. People don’t catch a tennis match for nothing, they want to see Roger Federer make that winning forehand smash. It all has to start somewhere.

I’d like to think that somewhere out there, there are people like me. People who place a bet, but don’t derive any real satisfaction from it. People who can simply enjoy watching a great goal being scored. Other people, who have never lost money in football bets.

The Evolution of Palm Trees

2009-12-06T15:33:00.000-08:00

From Singapore to Luang Prabang

2009-12-04T22:40:00.000-08:00

Once the royal capital of Laos, scenic Luang Prabang certainly retains a majestic feel about it — palm trees line the banks of the Mekong River and days seem twice as long here.

There are monks to observe, hills to climb, temples to explore if you feel like it, but the inherent quiet charm about this UNESCO World Heritage site lies in soaking up the peaceful, slow pace of life this sleepy town offers.

GET IN

The easiest way to get in from Singapore is to jet in to Suvarnabhumi Airport in Bangkok first, and catch a flight to Luang Prabang on Bangkok Airways there. Bookings can be made online at www.bangkokair.com.

Alternatively you can also fly in to Luang Prabang from Siem Reap or Vientiane, or catch a 11-hour coach ride from the capital if you have time.

A good time to visit is now actually, when it's not as easily accessible from Singapore (or anywhere for that matter) and there are lesser tourists. If you're looking at climate, good months to visit are November to January, when the climate is cooler and ranges around 14-27 degrees.

SEE

The Tak Bat almsgiving ritual

Monks gather to form a procession and collect alms from locals at dawn every day. The locals believe that by giving rice to monks they are feeding their departed loved ones.

You can see this (or participate!) from anywhere in town at various times, but 6:30am on Sakkaline Rd is a good, albeit crowded, place to catch the action.

Vat Xieng Thong

'Vats' are temples in Lao speak, and there are about 29 of them spread out across town. That's a lot taking into account the small size of the town! The temples come in varying conditions though, some pretty dilapidated, and some, like Vat Xieng Thong, pretty grand.

DO

Shop at the Luang Prabang Night Market

The beautifully art directed market springs to life on Sisavangvong Street in the evening.

One of the best night markets in South-East Asia, the lanes are not overcrowded, sellers are not overly pushy and it boasts an eclectic range of items. You can probably get a cheaper deal here compared to night markets in Thailand, Cambodia or Vietnam.

Climb Mount Phousi

About 350 tiring steps will get you to the peak of this holy "mountain", where you can join crowds in taking in views of the town at sunrise or sunset.

View the sunset across the Mekong River

A bamboo bridge crosses the Nam Khan River and leads to a secluded and peaceful silk/weaving village along the banks of the adjacent Mekong River. There is a pavilion, or if you prefer, rocks for you to lounge on and take in quiet, contemplative views of the sunset.

It's on a bend at the end of Khem Khong Road, and you have to take a dirt path and go beyond some bushes, but if you can find it this little quiet oasis awaits you. If you're a bit adventurous you can trek a bit further down the banks of the Mekong River to reach a beachy spot that's perfect for sunbathing or watching kids playing.

Alternatively, you can hire a boat to cruise the Mekong River or simply buy a coconut from one of the many restaurants by the river for a great way to wind down the day.

EAT

Hawkers at Luang Prabang Night Market

The Luang Prabang Night Market has several hawkers selling food ranging from noodles to barbequed seafood. In a lane off the market, a vegetarian store lets you pile as much food as you want on a small dish for only 5,000 kip (about S$0.80).

French eateries on Sisavangvong

Laos was once a French colony, and Sisavangvong Street certainly showcases that part of their history. Dine along with French tourists in a fancy eatery, or buy a baguette with fillings from a street vendor. There are stores selling exquisite French cakes and pastry too.

SLEEP

Rama Hotel

The mid-range Rama Hotel is two blocks and 10 minutes away from the main tourist stretch, but a little walk never harmed anyone. Not the newest, grandest, or best, but rooms are quiet, with Wi-fi access, cable TV, air-conditioning, hot showers (sometimes) and a decent breakfast thrown in for about S$30 a night.

GET OUT

Cruise up the Mekong River to the Pak Ou caves

The Pak Ou caves contain ancient Buddha sculptures collected over the centuries. Not too spectacular, but a good way to spend half a day. Look for a travel agency to coordinate the 2-hour boat trip or kayaking adventure for you.

Ride a tuk-tuk to the Kuang Si falls

A 45-minute road trip will get you to the Kuang Si falls, where you can take a dip in clear turqoise water cascading from above.

Rest of Laos

Coaches run frequently and daily to other parts of Laos. Tickets to the backpacker town of Vang Vieng or Vientiane are easily available at any of the many travel agencies in town.

Want to see more? View more photos of Luang Prabang over at Flickr.

Massage parlour name fail

2009-12-03T04:50:00.000-08:00

Wah Laos!

2009-12-01T08:25:00.000-08:00

In scenic Luang Prabang palm trees line the banks of the Mekong River and motorcycles hardly go fast enough to injure anyone. There isn't much to do in this sleepy town besides lazing around, but that's the quiet charm about this UNESCO World Heritage site.

Every day at dawn locals line the streets and offer alms to monks.

Cheeky little girl selling silk. Love her. Developed this shot and gave it to her the next evening.

Synchronized shopping.

The Pak Ou Caves, about 2 hours by boat from Luang Prabang, contain Buddhist sculptures and statues collected over the centuries.

Kids playing by the Mekong River.

Sunset over the Mekong River.

A somewhat bizarre encounter happened one morning.

I was wandering around a temple one morning when this chirpy 20-year-old girl bounces out of nowhere and asks if she can tag along with me for a while.

Arriving in the middle on the night after an exhausting 24-hour coach ride from Kunming, China, she had just got rid of her guide (who couldn't really speak Mandarin), and wanted to "play with me". In the most innocent sense. She said she approached me because I was alone and looked "harmless".

Skeptical and guarded as I was I said ok, and we had breakfast back at my hotel. She then accompanied me in a tuk-tuk to the Kuang Si falls, where this pic was taken.

When we returned to town, she wrote me her phone number and email address on the back of a receipt and asked me to look her up if I ever visited Kunming. We parted ways after that. I didn't take a picture with her and I only know her name is Chen Simo.

Absolutely bizarre.

A few more photographs over at Flickr.

The First Celebrity

2009-11-20T02:01:00.000-08:00

Photograph: Pablo Martinez Monsivais/AP

Why

2009-11-11T23:17:00.000-08:00

Kissing The Mirror

2009-11-11T12:40:00.000-08:00

According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria, BC recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of year 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

(via 9Gag)

Everybody needs somebody

2009-11-03T14:20:00.000-08:00

It's 3am and I've been out taking photos. I sit down on a bench for a rest, and this cat appears from nowhere, jumps onto my lap and curls up to sleep.

Hello hello hello hello

2009-10-31T21:29:00.000-07:00

Today I had a lovely phone call that went something like this:

Pea: Hello Mr Kokkai!
Me: Hello!
Pea: Hello!
Me: Hello!
Pea: Hello!
Me: (louder now) HELLO!
Pea: HELLO!
Me: HELLO!
Pea: HELLO!
Me: HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pea: HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!

(after a while)

Me: Hello, yes what's the matter?
Pea: Oh nothing...I just called to say hello!

Something went wrong somewhere

2009-10-27T08:37:00.001-07:00

The Red Bridge

2009-10-25T11:33:00.000-07:00

He had stopped in the middle of the bridge. He had been waiting for the past 20 minutes now. Waiting for that girl with the shy smile to come.

For the past 3 months they had walked past each other hurriedly on the way to work. At 7.45am everyday their paths would cross on the red bridge. From casting shy initial glances, they had gradually progressed to shy, inquisitive smiles to each other.

Today, however, the girl hadn’t appeared. Maybe she was just late. Maybe she went on a holiday. Maybe she got some kind of rare illness that rendered her paralysed from neck down and unable to walk. No. Not her.

He would wait. He would wait for her all right. He didn’t mind that he was late for work. After all, he had decided today was the day he was going to finally ask her out.

Half Boiled Egg at 1:20am

2009-07-21T10:17:00.000-07:00

No solar eclipse here.

华语 Cool

2009-07-20T13:25:00.000-07:00

I like speaking Mandarin. In fact, I prefer speaking Mandarin. I am unfortunately, unable to read, write or converse very fluently in it, but I can still get by colloquially.

I grew up in suburban Bukit Gombak. I tagged along with my mum to the wet market on Saturday mornings, where my brother and I lugged bags of meat and fish saddled upon us by our mum. There is no butcher or greengrocer there, only the 猪肉 and 卖菜 uncles. Well my mum calls them that.

Obviously there is nothing wrong with English. It is the international language, lingua franca. My mum brought me to the library weekly and introduced me to Peter Rabbit, Noddy, the BFG, all of which helped develop my command of the language. All in the hope I would grow up well educated and well-off.

In my predominantly Chinese suburb, if you conversed in English you were perceived as a well educated, well-off person.

I suppose it harks back to old colonial days of British rule when the English speakers, the British, were the ones in power. English speakers were from a higher social class. They were seen as stuck up however. Snobbish. They couldn't hold a conversation or empathize with the man in the street.

No one spoke in English. My neighbor was a university professor and he, too, always spoke in Mandarin first.

Mandarin creates a bond. It sends an intangible message of humility, the message that we are Chinese, we are the same people, and we are one. And you, the English speaker, are not one of us.

I did a little experiment when I was in Melbourne.

Whenever I was served by an Oriental face, I spoke in Mandarin. Didn't work all the time though, there were Koreans who gave me puzzled looks and some who stoutly replied in English. But on the occasions it did work, it was a real treat watching their expressions. They'd do a double take, not quite sure why I was speaking in Mandarin, but gradually I'd see a smile and glow creep into their faces. I was 'family'. I was from home, China, Malaysia, wherever they'd left behind.

Mandarin was for us, a secret code only we knew. Mandarin, or 华语, was cool.

Hotel Telepathy

2009-06-13T03:26:00.000-07:00

I was in Yogyakarta, Indonesia recently to look at Borobudur, an old Buddhist monument. I'd decided to be a little generous, splurging on a decent 5-star hotel, the Melia Purosani, and boy was the stay good.

Traveling alone, I had the pretty big room to myself. Big room aside, when I went down for breakfast the second day the concierge recognized and greeted me as Mr Ng, which was a nice touch.

***

On the second night, when I returned from Borobudur, I was lying on the bed thinking: "I'd could really do with a massage right now."

Moments later, the phone rang. Hotel concierge.

"Sir, we are pleased to offer you a 10-minute complimentary massage. Do you want us to send up a masseur to your room now?"

That was brilliant. Perfect timing. The masseur, a young Indonesian girl, came up, gave me a back massage, and left.

So I found myself lying on the bed again. This time I thought, "Ah shit. I forgot to bring a universal adaptor for the handphone charger. I'll need to go look for one."

The phone rang again. Housekeeping this time.

"Sir, you need adaptor for electronic?"

Two requests fulfilled while lying on the bed without a single question uttered. If that's not eerily good service I don't know what is.

Barack Obama: (Climate) Change We Can Believe In

2009-04-24T11:08:00.000-07:00

Greenpeace activists have been making sure US President Barack Obama is well aware of the climate change affecting the world.

As Obama was making a speech in Prague, the capital of the Czech Republic on 5th April 2009, six Greenpeace activists jumped from a bridge nearby, rolling a banner with the message “Bail out the climate”. Another Greenpeace activist standing on a lampost even nearer to where Obama was unveiled a banner urging him to “lead change on the climate”, a challenge Obama accepted in his speech.

“To protect our planet, now is the time to change the way that we use energy. Together, we must confront climate change (...) and I pledge to you that in this global effort, the United States is now ready to lead.”

Change. This word has appeared four times already in the paragraphs above. Obama spoke of change during his presidential campaign. We want and hope for change too, but a different kind of change.

The word ‘change’ can be interpreted in two ways here.

The first is a direct reference to climate change, indicated by a sweaty red-faced Obama. Temperatures are increasing globally and as a result, both geographical poles are melting.

The second is a message to Obama: change how the world views the climate change. After accepting the challenge to lead the world on climate change, now is the time to make good on that promise.

Playing on Shepard Fairey’s iconic poster for Obama’s presidential campaign, it retains that massive visibility and recognition in people. Obama is also an important figure in the world, and by utilizing his portrait we provide a figure everybody can relate to.

The red and blues Fairey used to represent America have been replaced by the greens of Greenpeace. Using green here clearly indicates that we are sending a message on the environment. On climate change.

Barack Obama: (Climate) Change We Can Believe In.

Poster is a submission for a Greenpeace competition and has not been endorsed by Greenpeace. Based on Shepard Fairey's iconic work for Barack Obama's presidential campaign; original photo from AP.

The Gorillas Wish Everybody A Merry Christmas & Happy New Year

2008-12-26T02:31:00.000-08:00

Attack of the Ants

2008-12-08T22:32:00.000-08:00

One day I make a cup of Milo. It's too hot though, so I set it aside to cool.

I come back ready for a nice warm cup a while later and what do I see?

A nice big bloody swarm of thirsty ants sipping at my Milo! Can't a poor guy leave his Milo alone for 15 minutes? Can't the Milo look after itself for 15 minutes? Useless, defenseless Milo!

Peeved, I run to the storeroom and dig out some ant poison. Ha! Take that thirsty ants! Some snacks to go along with the Milo too!

Placing the ant poison beside my cup, I sit down and watch eagerly. Hey presto! They've taken the bait! Sweet revenge indeed!

There's one stinking ant making off with a piece, there's another happy trooper over there, come on then, enough for everyone!

Fixated to my glorious murder scene, I spot an ant in the corner. Ha! Don't be greedy now, that piece's way too big for you. No, no way Jose! You must be the champion weightlifter in your colony or something!

Suddenly, I'm struck by guilt though. Why am I killing these ants? All they wanted was just some Milo. They've been thirsty from working the whole day. Look at how selfless and brave they are! They put themselves through arduous tasks all for their kind!

What am I committing here? Genocide? My middle name's not Saddam. It's er, Kok. God created ants for a reason. Ants dig tunnels in the soil for us! That’s it! Humans weren't meant to dig tunnels! Well unless you're in construction. Ants are our friends! We must not kill them!

Ok, if I accidentally trample on one, too bad ant. Watch where you're going next time. If one attacks me and I swat it off, too bad ant. Next time too.

Enough. Feeling guilty, I clear the ant poison. Throwing it away, I go to the kitchen to make myself another drink.

This time though, I make some green tea.

Red Tiger Beer Cans

2008-11-25T12:24:00.000-08:00

One

2008-11-24T05:40:00.000-08:00

Rebel

2008-11-20T19:47:00.000-08:00

Under My Umbrella

2008-10-28T09:48:00.001-07:00

Leave some for us?

2008-10-11T06:22:00.000-07:00

Great Quotes

2008-09-21T00:39:00.000-07:00

The late Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965), former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom for two terms, renowned for his leadership of the country during World War II, also esteemed writer, Nobel Prize laureate, and proclaimed "The Greatest of Them All" in a 2002 BBC poll of the "100 Greatest Britons", once said:

Excuse me, I need to go to the toilet.

Therefore, we should all learn to exercise courtesy by saying:

Excuse me, I need to go to the toilet.

"Drift away from being wrong or right and you will be carried toward romance."

2008-09-14T01:46:00.000-07:00

Every other week the horoscope says vague swirly messages telling me I'm going to meet someone special next week, or that romance is in the air. I haven't met anyone special all this while, but I get a renewed sense of optimism every time. :)

The Adventures of Clumsyman

2008-09-06T08:58:00.000-07:00

I Remember

2008-08-25T11:07:00.000-07:00

While boarding a bus a few days back, I pulled out an EZ Link card, expecting to tap somewhere. Then I remembered that I was on a chartered bus and there was no need to pay and hurriedly stuffed the card back into my pocket.

While trying to enter a room the other day, I rummaged for my SPH pass and was almost ready to tap it. Then I remembered to enter I had to punch in the numeric code instead. And I was not at SPH.

While I was trudging wearily back to my house today, I took out an EZ Link card instead of the house keys and tapped the lock. Then after 5 seconds, when the door didn't open and the dull clang of the metal registered...I remembered.

A Sign Of The Times

2008-08-23T09:44:00.000-07:00

I recently played this Japanese anime dating game. Hey, I know these games are dumb but I got it free so I tried it out to see it was about. To use another lousy excuse, Singapore's Prime Minister is putting in place more initiatives to encourage dating and more babies ultimately...

Anyway, there are 5 different girls, and you're the male lead in the story. You're a student at a college, you live life and interact with the 5 different girls, and hope to enter into relationship with one of them. Questions appear throughout the story, and who you eventually end up with depends on your answers to these questions.

As I was saying, there are 5 girls that you can aim to eventually date. You have:

the class belle, who's a klutz (shown in picture)
the class belle's best friend, who has lesbian tendencies
your loud boisterous cousin (!), who you live with
the young history teacher, sister of the class belle
a senior who wears glasses at your school

Naturally, being a Japanese anime game, all the girls look fantastic, with elaborate hair, big eyes, perfect curves all that. Each girl has their own storyline. The storylines, or more specifically the girls, are all so sugary sweet that I'm not surprised if someone ends up with diabetes after playing the game.

So I went through the game. Click, click, click. And on and on. Going through daily life and answering questions. I generally tried to steer towards the class belle because she was the most...politically correct one? (Teacher? Lesbian? A relationship with your cousin eh? Isn't that akin to incest?)

Guess which girl I got into a relationship with at the end of the game?

None.

Yeah, NONE!

My game ended abruptly, saying the year passed without getting to know anyone better. My character ended up spending time with a guy friend at the end.

A sign of the times maybe?

***

Irritated at being such a failure, I Googled for some cheats. Going through the cheats, which were essentially the answers you were supposed to pick to end up with each girl, I can't believe how the guy is supposed to answer in the game. You mean you're supposed to wait for the girl to buy you chocolates on Valentine's Day? You're expected to be some lazy turd and wait for the girl to take initiative and do everything? What?!

Stupid Japanese game. Probably written by some lonely geek. Probably explains why they have one of the lowest birth rates in the world.

It still makes you wonder though, especially when you're not in a relationship - should you actually NOT be buying chocolates on Valentine's Day? Is that what they're teaching single desperate men at the SDU?

I still can't believe I ended up with none of the girls. Even in a stupid game!

How Not To Irritate Men During A Football Match

2008-08-18T03:00:00.000-07:00

A new season of the drama, intrigue, theatrics and excitement that is the English Premier League dawns on the male race yet again. Behold, as Premier League matches are one of the few things on television besides the Victoria's Secret show that can hold so many grown men transfixed for 90 minutes. They have made Saturday nights holy, and no man likes to be interrupted during that holy period.

Here's a couple of things girls can do not to irritate the zombie like guy watching football. There are probably some super detailed lists out there on the Internet on proper female etiquette during football matches, but I think these few will do.

1. Quiet Please

When a guy is glued to a football match on television, keep quiet!

We, useless blocks of wood passing ourselves off as men, will happily (or moodily depending on the result of the match) listen to your day, explain what's going on, decide what to eat for supper, hear your gripes, go shopping with you and generally resume normal service when its half time or after the match.

Keep quiet DURING the match!

2. We Are Straight Men

We don't care if you find Fernando Torres cute, or Ronaldo hot, or David Beckham sexy, or Raul handsome, or...

Also, say for example your boyfriend supports Manchester United. Man Utd are playing a match against arch rivals Liverpool. Liverpool has Fernando Torres, who he will grudgingly admit is a good player. What he doesn't need to hear is some noisy girl gushing "TORRES SO CUTE!!!" beside him just after Torres scores against Man Utd.

3. Temporary Maid

"Could you help me grab a drink from the fridge?"

We can't miss this free kick. Help us out just this time? You're still our princess, and we'll still carry your shopping bags. And maybe agree to watch those Sex and the City DVDs with you.

4. We Still Love You

We might turn into Easter Island statues during a match, but we still love you. And we'd love for you to actually go out and enjoy yourself during what is for you a torturous 90 minutes. Have a night out with the girls! We'll try to remember to pick you up after the match.

21st Century Knight

2008-08-16T01:34:00.000-07:00

I think there's an unwritten rule somewhere in society decreeing that guys cannot refuse cries of help from girls. Cries of help to unclog toilets, carry all their shopping bags, change light bulbs...and to fix printers. We have to call upon that inborn knight-in-shining-armor mentality and help damsels in distress fix their printers!

(And get lambasted later by wife/girlfriend for being overtly macho, or a useless mummy's boy, miserable failure etc etc etc.)

A female friend, Shelly, recently mentioned that she couldn't turn on her inkjet printer. Acting on that unwritten rule, I gallantly went down to her house one evening to try and fix that misbehaving printer.

After 'fixing', which involved checking that the power was turned on and the cable was plugged in properly, we still couldn't get the printer to work. I declared the printer to be spoilt and told her to call the repair company. This amounted to a grand total of 5 minutes.

I'm not very good at fixing printers eh?

Ask Uncle Kok

2008-08-07T23:59:00.000-07:00

Ah, today I had the bright idea of trawling through some of the questions that were sent in...some from a few years back...

We have the chiding ones...

Why are there people with different characteristic? Why are there lame people like u? - too lazy to type
Can you stop being so lame?!! Haha... - too lazy to type
kok, why u so cock? - joreen =)
fuck u la kok - bern
STUPID KOK - KOK!!

the slightly creepy ones...

u look kinda handsome, has anyone told u this b4? - u never wanna noe
hello. are you gay? - monster
How to grow pubic hair longer - Alan
im a submissive puppy. spank me. - too eager to type

a few from delusional people...

change this will you? - jeanette aw
change this will you? - michelle chia
change this will you? - jade seah

and then we have:

I'm bored at work. what to do? - bored-at-work

Ok, this was an actual game my colleagues and I played:

1. Find some objects and balance them on the cubicle divider
2. Steal stress balls from someones desk
3. Stand a cubicle away and hit those objects! Whoever hits the most objects wins...and doesn't have to go around looking for the balls!
4. Apologise to the guy sitting at the desk behind the divider
5. Carry on until you can't find any of the balls
78. Act dumb when someone goes around the office asking, "Have you seen my stress balls?"

Demonstration

(If for some reason YouTube doesn't show it, its also here on Facebook)

One last one for now...

egg first or chicken? very important question - kill the kok

Archaeologists at the University of Nowhere have recently made an amazing discovery into their research on this eternal question.

While speaking to an old man living in the mountains in Kazakhstan, they discovered he was actually a dinosaur. Trying to stay awake, the brave archaeologists listened to him tell long stories about how dinosaurs roamed Earth millions of years ago.

One of the archaeologists managed to stay awake and documented that there was a T-Rex which went by the name of DJ Rexy. Tons of female T-Rexes went gaga over him, but he only had his eyes and heart set on the one on the sky.

One day, when DJ Rexy was walking around looking for a triceratops to eat, he looked up and saw this beautiful pterodactyl flying above him. The pterodactyl's name was Miranda and had the most amazing hair, eyes and mouth. Ok, technically, what he was more interested in were the pink Body by Victoria Ultrasmooth Bikini undies from Victoria's Secret she was wearing.

Against the law of nature, they fornicated. Shock! Horror! Out came a little baby! They named their baby Chicken.

DJ Rexy had asked his mother what he should name his daughter and the first thing his mother said was "Get out of my KITCHEN!". Rexy was a little deaf - they didn't have headphones for DJs in those days - and had heard only the last word, which he thought was Chicken.

Chicken made her way to Japan somehow and found her true love - another dinosaur guy who was a mix between a T-Rex and pterodactyl. He was rather small and short though, being Asian. They fornicated and over the millions of years the offspring gradually became smaller till the size that they are today.

The End.

Obituary

2008-08-01T10:52:00.000-07:00

I work part time at a newspaper, and I go into this department called Prepress every week to collect the next day's newspaper to cross-check articles. Essentially, they do mock-up printing, but they type out some of the obituaries there also I think. I've seen some aunties staring very hard at obituaries over there!

At the entrance of Prepress is a fish tank with goldfish inside.

Look closely. Notice there are fish upside down in the centre? They just stay like that, gasping. The goldfish at the right corners hardly move. Every week I go in and the fish in the tank are like that. Dying and lifeless. Nobody does anything about these fish!

I've been told that goldfish might have some temporal condition that makes them like that. But still, what an eyesore!

Sometimes I wonder if the fish are like that because they do the obituaries there.

[Update - 13th August]
I noticed the fish tank was gone when I went in today! In its place are 2 phones and a sign that says that nobody is to use those phones.

THAT Primary Six School Nurse Visit

2008-07-22T07:44:00.000-07:00

Remember that school nurse visit you had when you were in Primary 6? You know, the one where they inflicted that awful BCG scar on your arm, and where they made you take off your clothes?

It seems like most people had to take off their clothes in front of a doctor or nurse, although some seemed to have escaped this part.

For those who missed it, what the doctor was looking for was how developed you were, relating to puberty. To check whether you were growing nice fluffy hair in places where the sun doesn't shine, developing deep sexy voices, budding breasts, growing longer in more ways than one, and other assorted things. I THINK.

Then they treat you like cattle and give you a grade from 1-5 on your puberty. 1 being 'Very Poor' and 5 being 'Well Done!'. OK seriously, 1 would mean not having started on puberty and 5 would be fully developed or something close to that, if I remember correctly.

Or maybe it was really 'Very Poor' and 'Well Done'.

***

I was on the train this afternoon, on my way to work when I overheard these teenage girls from a certain girls' school sharing excitedly and animatedly on this particular experience. No I wasn't eavesdropping on purpose, they were loud. Really. REALLY!

Anyway, they were discussing what they had on under their pinafores at that time. One was happy she had on a pair of shorts, another was terrified that she only had her panties on. The one who had shorts on subsequently demonstrated how she was 'inspected' by mimicking the undoing of a ribbon and pulling down on an imaginary waistband. And then how she lifted her bra. Girls these days are still pretty decent huh?

Well, if you're interested in some unnecessary information, I had only underwear on too! No shorts! They made us all take off whatever shorts we had! Nobody wears boxers at that age. They're actually bigger than your nice little tight primary school shorts and stick out. And you don't have much of a package at that age anyway.

We were all shepherded into a cold air conditioned room, naked, with only our underwear for warmth and modesty.

"Do you have hair THERE?", I whispered solemnly to the boy next to me.

"Umm, some." he replied nervously after some hesitation. We both bore serious expressions on our faces. I suppose we were afraid the nurse would scream and call the police if she found out we had hair THERE.

We were arranged by height, and one by one, we went behind that nondescript green curtain. We could see the legs of every boy, and we snickered when a poor boy's underwear dropped at his feet. That snickering was just a facade though, covering up our nervously beating young hearts.

So it got to my turn. I got up, and walked quickly behind that awful green curtain.

Behind the curtain were two people. Both females. One, the doctor, and two, a grouchy old nurse. The doctor gave a small hint of a smile, and then asked me to bend over for a while. I bent over apprehensively, fearing the worst, but she surprised me when she asked me to straighten up after a short while. I didn't know what she was trying to do then - I only realised she was probably checking the backbone a few years later.

"Take off your underwear," came those dreaded words.

Nervously, I did as I was told. My underwear dropped to my feet. I could hear the snickering from the other boys behind the curtain. Oh the embarrassment! If I thought that was bad, what came after was worse.

She (the doctor) reached out a cold, thin hand and touched me THERE.

I didn't know why she had to do this disgusting, despicable act. At age 12, what did you do to suffer this ignominy? 10 years on, most guys probably have a slightly different warped view on a girl touching you THERE, but let's not go there.

Removing her hand, she asked me to turn to my side, take a few deep breaths, and cough a few times. All the while looking at me THERE.

As with the bending over, I didn't know why I was being asked to do all these weird perverted acts. Somewhere down the years I read up about hernia in an encyclopedia.

"OK, you can wear back your underwear, and you can go."

Shamed, I pulled my underwear back up and walked gingerly from behind the curtain. Imploring faces from those that were waiting their turn wanted to know what she made me do, but none had the balls (or hair) to ask. In another corner of the room sat the boys who had gone behind that green curtain, heads bowed, red-faced, silent and huddled. I went over and sat down with them.

***

I don't know what they did to the girls behind there, because the few accounts I've heard are sketchy and varied, although similarly embarrassing I'm sure. It's like a covert military operation, where the girls are all spies. You'll only get it out of them after going through some brutal torturing process.

"WHAT HAPPENED BEHIND THE CURTAIN?!"
"I'm not saying! Oooww!"
"SAY IT!"
"I'm not going to betray my fellow female comrades! Arggggf!"

This event has become almost a taboo subject in our primary school life, for many stripping in front of a complete stranger for the very first time. Nobody ever talks about it, nobody wants to talk about it.

Well, I don't how many people or who still pops by here these days, but talk about it! Anonymously if you want to. Share your experience in the comments!

Bad Man

2008-07-17T21:03:00.000-07:00

Today, on the way back from lunch, I walked past a group of primary school children.

When I went past them, I overheard one of them whispering:

"You see that man hair so long. Must be bad man."

Well I never!

Difference between Jurong East and Jurong West

2008-07-11T06:17:00.000-07:00

The lovely countryside called Jurong East is inhabited by lots of locals. There are nice fields and lush greenery, lakes, flooding everywhere. There is a nice rickety little village mall called Jurong Entertainment Centre. There are no modern malls - IMM is in the middle of nowhere, so it can't be under Jurong East.

The town of Jurong West is urban however, with the modern megamall Jurong Point, parks, canals, whatever. Also, a crucial difference is that we have people from many countries.

There are workers from India! Bangladesh! Sri Lanka! China! Malaysia! Thailand!

The convenience shop near my place is fully run by people from Myanmar!

Filipinos staff stores in Jurong Point!

My neighbours are from Hong Kong!

There are numerous Indonesian domestic helpers!

Jurong West is, I dare say, cosmopolitan.

Take that Jurong East! Ok la at least your place doesn't turn into Little India during the weekends.

In a rather unrelated piece of useless information, why do people frequently ask whether I'm foreign? Most of the time they think I'm Malaysian. Why?

Short note

2008-07-07T09:35:00.000-07:00

I've been receiving some er, obscene questions from the question asking thing in my mail, but thank you anyway :)

Go on! Spam some more!

Mannequin

2008-06-27T03:57:00.000-07:00

Initially she didn't catch my eye. She was sitting in a dark corner, away from the lights all by herself, and was rather dull to be honest. I'd only noticed her when I tripped over her foot and apologised to her a moment ago. She remained silent though and didn't appear to have heard me.

Sighing, I sat down beside her. I'd spent the whole day travelling anyway and needed a breather. She didn't move or say anything still, but kept her gaze focused on something in the distance. I looked in the direction her vision was trained on, but couldn't make out what had interested her. A painting maybe? We were in a nice quiet museum on a weekday, and there were not many people milling about, even less so in this quiet spot of the museum.

"It's nice around here," I ventured. Probably one of the worst introduction lines anybody can attempt. Still no response. Good. I laid back and stared up into the ceiling.

"She's a quiet one," I thought. I like her.

Zebras

2008-06-27T03:56:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning having barely slept and said to myself, "I want to see some zebras today."

I got up, went to the zoo, found the zebras, and sat down to watch them.

They were kinda smelly.

I took a photo, got up, went home, and continued sleeping.

This Tragic World

2008-06-27T03:55:00.004-07:00

Dear Mr Job Agency,

I just came to Singapore last night on a boat! My stupid agent named Mr Cock Kai abandoned me say Esprit got sale up to 50% off. Now I'm all alone in this foreign country! Mr Cock Kai is bad man.

I sold my 1 house, 2 cow, 3.142 chickens and Street Fighter game back home to come here. I cannot go home empty handed the loanshark will all kill me. Actually no have but they always say this so I just follow them. I need job to support my family of 17 children back home!

Please I beg you give me job O Great One all I seek a better life in this tragic world...

Sincerely,
I. Diot

Google AdNonsense

2008-06-27T03:55:00.003-07:00

Google's description of their AdSense online advertising program:

AdSense for content automatically crawls the content of your pages and delivers ads that are relevant to your audience and your site content—ads so well-matched, in fact, that your readers will actually find them useful.

Okay, so why am I being shown traumatizing ads telling me I should go for circumcision by some excellent surgeon, while I'm just playing Scrabulous on Facebook? What did I do?

Low and Wang

2008-06-27T03:55:00.001-07:00

There's this small irritation that wells up inside me whenever I hear some people pronounce the Chinese surnames 'Low' and 'Wang'. The irritation comes about not because I have mortal enemies named Low and Wang, but rather because of the gross mispronounciation that seems so prevalent.

I don't understand why people pronounce 'Low' to sound like 'Lau'. Look, if God had wanted people to call them Mr or Miss Lau, he would have spelt l-a-u out nicely on their birth certificate. He's spelt it out as l-o-w instead so it should be pronounced as Low. As in high, low.

Same thing with Wang. Wang is the hanyu pinyin of 王 in most cases, and therefore it should be pronounced as such. You know, to rhyme with Huang. NOT WENG! Whenever people pronounce it as Weng in my mind I'm thinking of something longer. Or rude. Like Wenger or...wanker.

I might be totally wrong though, 'Lau' and 'Weng' might actually be the correct way to pronounce Low and Wang. I haven't gone and trawled places like Wikipedia on how to pronounce them phonetically. I shouldn't though, otherwise the next thing I know 'Ng' should be pronounced as 'Arf' or something.

Lessons from Work

2008-06-27T03:54:00.003-07:00

Lesson #1:

Pick a cubicle (if you can) that is far away from the door.

Otherwise you'll find yourself getting up every 15 minutes to open the door for colleagues who forgot / lost / spoilt / cut / lent / etc their access card. Or for those who are lazy to dig around for their card / no free hands / looking for someone etc. You get the idea.

Once in a while you'll open the door for weird foreign workers gesticulating wildly and spend 5 minutes gesticulating wildly yourself before figuring out that they want to come in to clean the aircons.

The guy from the IT Department will suddenly come by and you'll spend another 5 minutes complaining about how slow the Internet is today; the cleaning lady drops in and she bitches to you for 10 minutes about her boss who just reprimanded her even though she's cleaned the toilets THRICE today.

Then you decide you need a cup of coffee and find your friend from Human Resources in the pantry. You spend the next 10 minutes deciding on where to go for dinner after work.

Coffee mug in hand, you go back to your cubicle, sit down, and someone knocks on the door. She's forgotten where she left her access card.

It's not good for productivity, especially when you realise you've spent the last 45 minutes (add up the figures - they tally!) trying to reply to an email so yeah, pick a cubicle far away. Far, far away.

The Bus Stewardess

2008-06-27T03:54:00.001-07:00

We landed late one night in Bangkok, and after supper, got onto this coach headed for the mountains in the northern part of Thailand. Accompanying us on this trip was a transsexual with a severe bob. She was dressed in a bright pink suit, heavily made up, and goodness gracious me, was our bus stewardess. You know, like flight stewardesses. Except she was not as pretty, looked rather mannish, and was much more creepy.

Someway through the journey she totters up to me, holding a tray full of plastic cups. "Cola-cola?", she asks brusquely, adam's apple quivering and all. I take a cup and she promptly dumps some cheap bun and a wet towel on me.

One thing I noticed was the fact that she was wearing VERY high heels. Pink ones. She's inhuman. She's wearing these killer heels, holding a tray full of cups filled with "cola-cola", buns, towels, on a bumpy bus ride, in the darkness, and she can keep her balance?

*BUMP* The bus flies over something on the road, we all fly up in our seats, the cola-cola in her tray fly up, and she's still standing. The cola-cola are still upright, not a drop spilled. Marvelous heels. Just marvelous. NASA should get their scientists to take a look at those heels, or even better, just sign her on as a spaceship stewardess to serve cola-cola in space or something.

We stop somewhere to refuel, and the substitute driver, who she chose to sit/sleep beside, complains that he hasn't slept at all - he's too scared.

At the end of the journey, when we get off the bus, half frozen, chattering, asses hurting et al, she skips off the bus in her bright pink suit and catwalks over to the travel agent's dingy office, small handbag hanging off her shoulder.

Marvelous. Just marvelous.

Strawberry Fields Forever

2008-06-12T14:29:00.000-07:00

We're at the checkout counter, NTUC, and I'm queueing up with a box of er, peppermint tea, in my hand. I groan in my mind as I see the weary looking mother in front start loading the mountain of groceries in her trolley onto the treadmill-thingamajig.

A tiny hand reaches up and places a pink square box on the treadmill-thingamajig.

"Mommy, I want this sweet."

It's a box of strawberry flavoured condoms.

A Conversation About Prata

2008-06-05T04:06:00.000-07:00

Confession Box

2007-12-18T07:30:00.000-08:00

Imagine this blog as a soldier at the end of a long hard war. The country has barely emerged victorious, but he cannot go home to see his wife and children, for he has been shot fatally and is lying prone, alone on the battlefield, a forgotten soldier. He is bleeding and life is ebbing out of him by the minute. He is dying.

You, a rescuer, spot him. You know you cannot save him, and can only offer companionship through his last moments in this world, and he is grateful to you. He weakly motions to you - he wants to whisper something into your ear.

"Please tell me wife and kids that I love them, and will always watch over them. I cannot offer you much in return for your help rescuer, but I can take a secret with me to my grave. You know what they say at weddings - speak now or forever hold your peace," he hacks out hoarsely.

What do you tell him?

***

Dumb story aside, this blog does feel metaphorically like a dying soldier to me. The images are gone because I haven't paid my bills and don't really intend to do so. Which is why it's a good time to do one of those confession box Postsecret thingamajigs because not many people pop by these days.

Anyway, it's up to you whether you want him (the dying soldier!) to bring a secret to his grave, but please ensure that you do it anonymously. Leave a comment with whatever you want to tell him, I stress again, anonymously. I have no way of knowing who wrote what if you posted anonymously, and I'll chip in one or two myself after a while. By the way, if you saw this post via Facebook, don't leave secrets there - comments there identify you.

This is the chance to get a load off your mind, with nobody knowing, no repercussions and all.

Speak now or forever hold your peace.

The Cleanic

2007-09-07T04:09:00.000-07:00

I work in a clinic these days, and when patients come in sick they have to fill up their details, including their illness, on a registration slip.

Now, the patients that come in tend to be from lower educated backgrounds and have problems grappling with spelling, and this often ends up in weird misspelled illnesses and body parts. Here are some I can recall off the top of my head:

right angle sprain

cough with flame

elwo pain

dierrear

soar eyes

saw eyes

sour eyes

sheen injury

chess pain

fiver

flem

flew

mygrain

toothach

vormit

naseus

anoos

pulse (he meant piles)

Were you able to figure out what the payshens meant?

Bath Time

2007-08-19T01:38:00.000-07:00

It's a dark, quiet morning.

You wake up, brush the cobwebs from your eyes, and sit up in bed. You get up, fumble around for the switch and struggle as the bright white light overpowers your vision, rendering you temporarily blind for the next few seconds.

The room slowly transforms from a kaleidoscope of colors to physical form in front of you, first the walls, then the other guy on duty, groaning about the light, and next the lockers, and you stumble wearily towards them. You open your locker, no that's the bookshelf, you open your locker, get a towel, grab your only fresh set of clothes and make for the shower.

You're inside the shower now. You decide to take a leak first before stripping, oops, you've misaimed and hit the toilet seat. Never mind that, you'll settle that later. You strip off your clothes, and step into the shower.

The cool water rains down on you, blasting you wide awake, and the pores of your skin eagerly soak up each drop, the water flowing and coursing into the curves and darkest orifices of your body, before reluctantly leaving and retreating into the dark abyss of the drain.

You lather up some shampoo, and proceed to rub your fingers methodically into your hair. Up, Up, Down, Down, Right, Right, Left, Left, Scrub, Scrub, Rub, Rub, one more time now, and you're done. You rinse off the frothy, bubbling concoction from your hair and now you're ready for your body.

You rub soap over yourself carefully, making sure not to miss a spot. You have an important day ahead of you and want to be at your best. You do this methodically too, starting from top to bottom, following a set pattern of movements you've known ever since you started bathing yourself, all with a steady clockwork rhythm to your movements.

You rinse off, and watch as the water swirls uncontrollably towards the dark force in the corner. You step out of the shower and reach for the towel. A comforting flash of white engulfs you, but from the corner of your eye, you thought you spotted something else, another flash of white falling to the ground.

"That can't be right," you think to yourself. You stop rubbing youself dry for a moment and take a look - what you see drains the color out of you, just like water being drained by the imaginary dark force in the corner.

Your clean, white underwear is on the floor, eagerly and indignantly soaking up water with gusto, becoming darker each second. You quickly snatch up the sodden piece of cloth, but it's too late - your only piece of clean underwear is wet. Well and truly wet. Horrified, you think about going commando for a second, then grudgingly put it on.

Your clean, white underwear is on the floor, eagerly and indignantly soaking up water with gusto, becoming darker each second. Just like how it soaks up and drains the aspirations and freshness of the new day. Just like how the rest of the day feels wet and soggy.

Public Service Message on Illicit Sexual Activities in Cinemas

2007-07-31T05:02:00.000-07:00

I think one of the great mysteries of life is why some couples choose to do illicit sexual activities while watching the most harmless and un-arousing of shows. It's bad enough that they're not being discreet enough, but its even worse when they're doing it while some Harry Potter movie is being screened.

***
Case in point 1: I watched Order of the Phoenix alone in the afternoon today at Jurong Point, and about halfway through the movie I hear a soft female "uh, uh, uh, uh" coming from the corner. I aim a look at the corner, but I can't see anything, because damn Potter is in Snape's dark chamber doing some stuff. Never knew people got off to seeing Professor Snape giving Legilimency classes. The sounds seem to subside anyway.

Not too long later, the unmistakable "uh uh uhs" return again, this time disturbingly louder and coming thicker and faster. I look to the corner again (well I DO have to check that they're okay in the event of an orgasm) but I still can't make out anything clear - never mind though because some woman right behind me suddenly says "EXCUSE ME!" audibly and they stop their X-rated activities. After that for the rest of the show I hear what appeared to sound like kissing/sucking noises.

The lights come on! I've no idea what the plot was! Numerous people turn and aim a disapproving look at the corner - two teenagers who look around 17 or 18 sit there smiling sheepishly.

***
Case in point 2: I think it was the 2nd Potter show, but I clearly remember this girl wearing the SCGS uniform and her boyfriend sitting in the seats beside mine. At first I don't take any notice of them - they're sitting close together, which you assume to be acceptable behaviour since they're supposed to be a couple. Let's name these two people Boy and Girl, to er, differentiate them?

Someway through the show, Boy's hand decides to change coordinates from Girl's shoulder to her arm. Lower, lower, and lower it goes, and then it stops beside her left boob. Fingers move tentatively, not over the boob, but at the side, and the girl doesn't resist - she starts fidgeting. After a while she removes Boy's hand from around her and they continue watching the show.

Boy clearly feels that its his lucky day though and soon enough his hand is on her left thigh, squeezing and caressing ever so gently. Girl has her cardigan spread out across her lap, and Boy's hand inches up her inner thigh ever so slowly, before disappearing under her cardigan, between her thighs, and under her skirt.

Girl is clearly flustered and restless now, and god knows what Boy's hand is doing under her skirt. There are sounds of quickened breaths being sucked in, and small moans emitted, and then suddenly Boy removes hand from under skirt, Girl leans towards Boy and they cuddle for the rest of the show, Boy's hand around Girl and resting on her blue-clothed ass. End of show. All right beside me, under my nose!

My friend convieniently claims "got meh?".

***
Case in point 3: This happened during the show Scary Movie. Must have been too scary for them to watch and start thinking about other activities.

It was mid-morning, and there were few people in the cinema. I was alone again this time, but I was some distance away from the scandalous couple this time round. The movie was terrible and as I looked around casually to count the number of people watching the show I noticed this couple, girl lying on guy's lap. Initially I thought nothing of it and carried on watching the show.

Later on, I spot out of the corner of my eye some movement over their area. I look around and I just make out an image of the girl, who has sat up, now with her hand at the guy's crotch area, moving up and down rapidly.

The movie cuts to another scene, and its again too dark to make out what's they're doing. Later on though, I see the clearest sign of sexual activity - the girl bent over the guy's lap, head bobbing up and down. The guy stoically watches the dumb show.

They produce a small torchlight, and shine around their seating area. I've no idea what they intended to do with a torchlight, but my guess is that they were "tidying up" before the show ended. Show ends, and as everybody leaves a cinema usher confronts them. I don't stay to see what happens though, but I do notice that this couple is a slightly older one - around their mid-twenties.

***
My fingers are too tired to try and end this entry properly - hey, I haven't typed out a new entry in months - so, yeah, "I think one of the great mysteries of life is why some couples choose to do illicit sexual activities while watching the most harmless and un-arousing of shows. It's bad enough that they're not being discreet enough, but its even worse when they're doing it while something like Harry Potter is being screened". That, and I am not a voyeur. Thank you.

Mahnahmuhnah!

2007-05-05T23:41:00.000-07:00

Question is, what is a mahnahmuhnah?

You probably can go embark on a space mission to Poland now and come back when you've discovered pink turtles over there because that's how long it'll take for a video from YouTube to load. Start looking for those eskimo space boots in your wardrobe now!

Your own personal plastic surgeon

2007-04-13T23:45:00.000-07:00

I was doing some 'research' on supermodels *ahem* when this advertisement popped up talking about some dumb computer program. Now if it is to be able to draw my attention away from pictures of new young models like Lily Cole, Gemma Ward and Jessica Stam it must be some mildly interesting program. But if its able to draw my attention away from even someone like Adriana Lima, man you've got some kick-ass copywriter (and mildly interesting program) out there!

This mildly interesting program was a photo editor - one that claims to "make anyone look as good as a celebrity in a magazine". With a few simple slides of the bars, hey presto, you can look like Brad Pitt! Angelina Jolie! Even Mr. Bean!

Now, if I'm ever going to be around supermodels I need to fix myself up a bit. So I downloaded the trial copy of this program to see if it could stop me from looking like an idiot.

Well I still look like an idiot so this program clearly didn't work.

Link: http://www.portraitprofessional.com/

I was at a Jolin Tsai photo session

2007-03-11T05:53:00.000-07:00

Now I hardly know who Jolin Tsai is or any of her songs but damn she is pretty and I went with my friend (guy at bottom left) to one of her photo sessions with her fanclub. Spot me!

And I was going to photoshop this properly but then it was time for soccer so I thought "Girls can wait!" and left for the couch.

Life Choices.

2007-02-18T05:33:00.000-08:00

Life is a long, arduous and difficult journey. Throughout your whole life you are constantly forced to make difficult choices, some of which will ultimately alter your destiny. Like marriage, employment, whether to change your fries to onion rings and so on.

Now I was forced to make an extremely difficult choice recently - I was at a newsstand with the intention of picking up the latest copy of some nice glossy men's magazine and there were only 2 copies left. One copy was dogearred on the front cover, and the other had a big crease across the back cover, and this left me in an extremely difficult position. Do I take the one where the front top part isn't so good, or do I take the one who's behind isn't so nice?

Important choices indeed. I ended taking up the one which had an ugly behind. I like my things nice in front eh.

28 messages recieved

2006-12-24T22:28:00.000-08:00

1
I wished for snow in Singapore, My Christmas gift to all I adore, The snow wasn't frozen as Santa forgot again, So (name)'s wish is here but it's just RAIN!

2
Sad man.. Botak now sia and forced to sleep..

3
hey kok kai, free to come out for a drink?

4
Catch exception exp.System.Println("this will nv happen again ")

5
Call me!

6
Wat is wrong with u!

7
Hey kok kai, u enlisted liao mah?

8
Nvm liao. Lets break.

9
tell instructor i go poly clinic

10
U are not allowed to sleep tonight because i am not sleeping tonight because i hv a test tmr.

11
i wanna shit badly.. But i'm in e train.. And i think my bandage is dropping off

12
Hello Kok Security! Nvr got e chance 2 say goodbye. Thanks 4 all of ur help and creative inputs at OSG. Gd luck in becoming a man. :)

13
Hey u at home?

14
Company quatermaster sergrant hates u!

15
My dearlings, merry christmas and a happy new year! Gee, may all wishes come true and have a blessed night! I love you all, Muack! Cheers (name)..

16
THANK YOU!! AH!! I LOVE YOU!! where's my soil..

17
hey, guess wat, i saw ernest luis! cool.

18
(name) wants to hire you to do flash for her. U Wan anot

19
CALL ME WHEN YOU OUTSIDE THE MAIN GATE

20
Wan to go watch play this sat.

21
f u la cos play boy

22
u gila la wait i outside now

23
No ah u eat shit n die. Laugh wif (name)

24
I am ok thanks!

25
WTF!! WHY HE DO THAT?

26
Kok, can help me. Put me to db provost can. I don wan stay at cda. I want go db.

27
Wanna meet up talk cok tonite?

28
?

"Oh SHIT! F***!"

2006-12-17T06:46:00.000-08:00

I was doing an IV drip on my friend as part of my medic training, and this is what happened after I goofed up and forgot to apply pressure on his engorged vein before pulling out the needle. The gloved hand trying to stop the bleeding is mine of course.

In case you're concerned about my friend, he was laughing away even though blood was gushing out of his hand and I was frantically trying to stop it.

And here I digress and think that girls are somehow able to stomach seeing all this blood and pads better then us pathetic guys.

Superstition

2006-11-04T21:55:00.000-08:00

The Chinese have this belief that the number 8 represents good fortune because it sounds similar to 'fa', the Chinese word for prosperity, and that the number 4 is bad because it sounds similar to 'si', the Chinese word for death.

The toilet I use these days in camp has numbered urinals, toilets, showers, from 1 to 10. When I need to take a leak or settle some dingy business I always use the number 8 urinal or toilet, because I want to prosper. But when I shower I never use the 8th because I don't want my already slim chances of prosperity to be washed away. Instead I use the 4th shower. Why? Because I want to live longer I want death to be washed away! So remember the next time you go into a toilet with numbered things always used the 8th one except when you're showering.

However, I don't understand why people always throw away 'fa' when they play mahjong. But then again I always keep the 'fa' and still lose so maybe this is all rubbish.

Homophobe #17

2006-10-14T22:01:00.001-07:00

I dreamt earlier this week that I was married. To a guy. In the dream, which wasn't really a dream, gay marriage had been legalized in Singapore. My partner was this big strapping guy who's one of my bunkmates in camp, but in the dream he was this foreign lad who needed Singapore PR status. There was no love between us, we weren't gay, and the only reason we were getting married was so that he could attain what he needed to remain in Singapore. Right after we walked out of the church(?), we immediately headed to a lawyer to annul the marriage. No consummation/honeymoon nonsense, he had gotten what he needed and that was that.

Last night I had another peculiar dream. I dreamt that I was at a hospital with a close female friend and we'd just found out that she was pregnant. And when I saw that the 'father' was this spiky haired female, I thought to myself, "How did this happen?". As if she had read my thoughts, the female friend told me that the spiky haired female partner was a transsexual and had a penis. To prove this, I went into a toilet with the spiky haired female and she showed me her goods, the weird horrific sight of a female with a penis greeting my eyes, the odd vision of the close female friend having sex with a transsexual running in my mind. I actually feared for my female friend's life.

I have an irrational fear of gays, lesbians, transsexuals, their culture, mannerisms everything. While I don't scream and go running, there is that wariness and cautious fear when seeing or dealing with these people. I don't know why I fear them and I don't know what triggers these dreams, I've been listening a lot to Damien Rice lately, could be his songs, could be camp life, could be Lindsay Lohan. I think its Damien Rice.

mop.

2006-09-24T04:28:00.000-07:00

don't steal my mop! this is MY mop! you get your own mop!

Why did the turtle cross the road?

2006-09-11T10:41:00.000-07:00

Well, just for the record,

1. Adriana Lima
2. Vivian Hsu
3. Anne Hathaway
4. Fiona Xie
5. Jamie Yeo

These 5 ladies are HOT man! In all likelihood, you'll disagree and in all likelihood I'll say you have bad taste, so in all likelihood, we'll end up agreeing Snoop Dogg is hot because he doesn't wear his hood in all likelihood.

Right then, I haven't been writing due to work, blog copycats, failed attempts to balance Care Bears and harrassment by gay Indians etc. Notice the 'etc'. I just want you to know it doesn't stand for Electric Company. It stands for, hold your horses, hold your boobs, bloodyindianwhosatbesidemeonthetrainand askspornographicgayquestionsandmakespornographicsounds.

I still can't write regularly now because I'll be entering the SCDF for NS in a few hours to be a FIREMAN! Like well yeah, the kind of firemen who save cats stuck on trees and come and fix your leaking toilet and all that stuff.

Anyway, I'll not have regular access to the Internet so if I do write something here, it will probably appear sporadically.

Thank you all, and I'll try to revive this blog for you. I was disillusioned with blogging, but hell, I'm gonna be a FIREMAN! And what do firemen who probably aren't ever going to be a firemen do? They try and revive stupid dead blogs! Hell yeah!

Be out on Friday morning, wish me some iron lungs and muscles to get through all the running and push-ups...

Corny answer to title: To get to the Shell station. Ha!

Miss Mediacorp Universe '06

2006-04-13T06:03:00.000-07:00

I don't have a lot to do these days, so what do I do to occupy myself? Well I sleep, watch pirated Simpsons DVDs, and look at girls of course! What'd you think I do, try and make my nipples glow in the dark? Bah!

Anyway, if you're gonna do girl-watching, you have to watch Miss Singapore Universe. And as Miss Singapore Universe concluded recently, I couldn't help but observe something odd about some of the contestants -- some of them look like Mediacorp TV stars! The rest of the contestants are probably stage extras or admin staff in Mediacorp that look half decent. Take a look at the comparisons below.

I don't know what the contestant's name is, probably June or July or something, but she looks like Amy Cheng to me. Some of you might disagree and say she looks like some Taiwanese celebrity - well fair enough. But keep looking, I've got more.

Hereeeee's Fiona! What's she doing here? And why's she changed her name to Jade Seah too? I was rooting for her to win though after I thought she answered that difficult law question brilliantly.

It's Jeanette Aw in both pictures I tell you! Look at the similar poses too!

The contestant's name is Geraldine Loo. Bluff people lar. Her real name's Michelle Chia.

Phyllis Quek with the mole covered up eh?

They even brought Sandra Oh of Gray's Anatomy in as a special guest!

Jacelyn Tay...well not the strongest comparison though.

And this is Zoe Tay lar.

Well now you've seen the comparisons - it's a whole scam this Miss Singapore competition! They should have crowned Fiona Xie! She's DA BOMB! DAWG! PART OF THE DAWG POUND! YEEEAH! But who cares when they're all girls. Just look good, don't try and make your nipples glow in the dark, and we're not complaining!

The 10th Count Sheep Day

2006-04-11T00:35:00.000-07:00

For some reason every single school I go to appears to turn bad after a while or is incredibly slow in doing things. It's ridiculous!

Take RP for example. RP was all fine and dandy on the first day, and at the end the next day I'm thinking to myself "Hey man, this school is corrupt! Cool!". And don't mention the speed at which RP does things. I'm telling you if the rabbit had gone for a toilet break or eaten some cheese he would still have won the race! Or I dunno, maybe a sheep too. You get my idea don't you?

Now I have another situation with NTU. It's ridiculous too! Everything is ridiculously ridiculous about the ridiculous! I'm not scared of rejection just tell me my damned ridiculous admission result quickly!

One thing that's not ridiculous is this sheep counting process. This picture above was taken from some Norwegian band called Robert Post. I'm sure they ride sheep and watch re-runs of Postman Pat all day over there in Norway. They do, don't they? I don't know what I'm writing!

Right, so how many sheep are there? Don't complain its silly because you got the answer wrong! Just shut up and count!

Boredom and Frustration

2006-04-09T23:54:00.000-07:00

If I may use an analogy, every single post of a blog can be likened to a song. Each song is part of an album. Some are hit singles, some are just merely album fillers. I will readily admit that I have been writing album fillers of late simply because I can't find any inspiration or interest to write. My creative juices and outlets have run dry and been exhausted because I've been spending my days lazing around at home.

*****

Every single day for the past few weeks I have been sitting, waiting, for a letter, a reply, a phonecall, anything. Every single day I open my mailboxes with renewed anticipation, only to be let down by nothing again.

I'm not scared of rejection I'm just impatient. I want prompt replies and results damnit. Every single school I encounter seems to be corrupt or incredibly slow in doing things.

xGallop

2006-04-06T14:06:00.000-07:00

I'm amazed at Osim. I don't know how they manage to survive and get away with irritatingly naming their products like something from Apple.

Now there's this new TV ad that's not new. Guess where its showing? On TV of course! Don't tell me you didn't get that one. Anyway, its the one where Jacelyn Tay's riding a horse and suddenly this Ix guy magically appears from nowhere. Woah! Persuaded by her fairy godfather that she should be more modern, Jacelyn ends up riding on this new iGallop product. By the way, what kind of name is Ix? Hendrix? Roman Number Nine? Ixacentridopoulous? What? But iDigress. (ha!)

Here's the (boring) ad if you've been stuck in a hatch all your life pushing a button. Or if you come from somewhere where they ride sheep instead, like Norway maybe.

So, does anybody also think that Jacelyn Tay looks bloody pornographic riding on that machine thing??! I mean, she's sitting there and going up and down and looking as pleased as cheese. Or punch. Or a girl sitting on a ugly weird horse thing going up and down looking like she'd rather be eating cheese and punch then sitting on a stupid horse thing.

Behold, here it is again! It's yellow now. It looks like a flattened mango here. So now if Jacelyn were to ride this she would be riding a flattened mango instead of a purple horse thing. Stuff that fuels imaginations and fantasies! Brilliant stuff from Osim! A new softcore sex toy for people out there who fantasise about riding on flattened mangoes! Do you fantasise about such stuff? I certainly do! Okay maybe I shouldn't have said that.

But not all is bad though. Osim claims that this machine is based on Hippotherapy, which means the more you ride the more you'll look and behave like a hippy hippo. After 6 weeks you'll be shaking your hip around the house and breaking things.

To conclude, Osim should have gotten Fiona Xie again instead! Wasted lar stupid company. Then they can name their product more appropriately after her, like I dunno, fGallop or xGallop or something. Or The Mango Riding Machine. And if you rearrange the name Fiona you'll get Niofa, which doesn't mean anything actually, just in case you were, you know, curious.

Anyway, I'm sure more people fantasise about Fiona Xie riding on a flattened mango right?

Just imagine...

Fiona Xie...

maybe wearing a bikini instead. I took it from Abercrombie and Bitch, er sorry, Fitch, if it makes it more appealing to you. And make it 'wearing only EITHER piece' if you want. You choose which piece! It's your fantasy!

...And riding and going up and down on this! Just imagine! Ha!

Bad Art Sharing Session

2006-03-30T12:13:00.000-08:00

Its a hamburger. I think my mouse is a bit funny. You can tell its a hamburger right? There's the lettuce...the meat's right there in the middle...

Simon Ng.

2006-03-29T10:34:00.000-08:00

No, I'm not adopting Simon as a name. I'm fine with Kok even though it sounds rude.

Rather, I've been going through and catergorizing quite a number of blogs these few days, and there was an entry in one of them that struck something in me. It touched on relationships and people on the Internet, and the fact that people remain "alive" on the Internet.

Friendster was used as an example - Friendster doesn't delete people even if they haven't logged in since 2004. They're still people, with hobbies, interests, friends, testimonials and all that, even after they die. I've got one person who's passed away in my friend's list but her account and pictures are still there and she remains "alive".

Another example was the blog of this Simon guy who was murdered.

I don't know whether this piece of news was ever published in Singapore, or anybody read this before but Simon Ng was this young student in New York who was tied up by his unknown attacker in his apartment and repeatedly stabbed till he died, together with his sister, on May 12 2005. Only moments earlier Simon had written what was to be his last blog entry.

The police used his blog later to identify the murderer. Here's Simon's chilling last entry.

The picture above was taken from Simon's personal photos. Simon is still alive on the Internet, at least. You'll never die on the Internet.

(News Article)

Remember a fella called Ling How Doong?

2006-03-27T07:47:00.000-08:00

I live in Jurong West now, but I used to live in Bukit Gombak when I was younger. Everything was fine and I loved that area - I lived across the road from my school, there was a nice Little Guilin Park nearby that I could visit and feed bread to turtles, the mama shop had everything I wanted (I still remember the name - Ong Mah Kow Supply). Then this MP called Ling How Doong got elected and came into the area. How do you do Mr Ling How Doong?

I didn't bother much about this guy. Knowing nothing about politics, I thought he was an okay MP. But then one fine day he decided to come along and paint my block 511 orange and green. ORANGE AND GREEN! The colors were horrible! Ghastly! I didn't like telling people I lived in that block - how could I when my block looked like...a ghastly orange and green colored block? From then on I thought he was the worst MP I'd ever seen - no good MP will ever paint people's block orange and green!

Then the time for the next elections came and this nice PAP uncle called Ang Mong Seng came along and put this Ling How Doong nincompoop out of a job. I think his name is perfect for a mama shop - Ang Mong Seng Supply. Anyway, Ang Mong Seng came and repainted our blocks in nicer colors. Best MP ever.

I don't know who remembers it, but Ling How Doong was once famous for a "Don't talk cock!" reply to Chiam See Tong in Parliament. And when you look at it most of the opposition MPs have been famous in a way or another for their oddball, eccentric antics. We have Chee Soon Juan who found a spare loudhailer lying around somewhere and started shouting at Goh Chok Tong; JB Jeyaretnam with his book and super sideburns; Tan Lead Shake who was the slipper man and makes me think of a mechanical pencil.

Ling How Doong has signalled his intention to challenge for Bukit Panjang in the upcoming elections - good luck to him. What I'm hoping will happen is he or some other opposition MP coming up with some outlandish antic that we all can label nincompoopish! Makes the elections far more fun to watch.

Damnit, I'm going to bed.

2006-03-26T13:18:00.000-08:00

This sucks man. I typed out one damned post throughout the early hours of the night. Then when I try to save it damned Blogger asks me to do some stupid login again and then my entire post is gone. I'm not going to type the whole thing out again - I've done it enough times in the few years I've had this blog. Damnit.

Photobooth

2006-03-22T08:46:00.000-08:00

Today I saw a photobooth and thought I needed some pictures.

we got a city to love!

2006-03-19T02:11:00.000-08:00

I was sitting on my bed a while ago just listening to music, drinking from my can when this song comes up. The bloody song gets me shaking and rockin' to it and I'm shaking so hard I end up spilling my bloody drink all over the bed. What a fantastic song! I'm not sure if people who don't have a MySpace account can access this page, but anyway here's a link to that bloody song if you've never heard it before: The Strokes' MySpace Page

Damn you Strokes and your Juicebox song.

lost in translation.

2006-03-14T08:09:00.000-08:00

This is Scarlett Johansson at the recent Golden Globes, where she got her globes groped by some gay interviewer live on TV, making lots of straight men wish they were gay too in the process. It's old news, but in case you're suddenly keen to know more about her she acted in a nice movie called 'Lost in Translation' which involved Japanese people and pink panties. And if can't be bothered and just want to see a video of that groping here's a short one with Ryan Seacrest and some other irritating girl evaluating the situation:

(from The Superficial)

Anyway, I know of a joke which involves the TV series Lost, Scarlett Johansson and pink whales. But I haven't actually made it up yet so I can't tell it to you and we'll put aside Scarlett for now (awww...) and talk about something else instead.

***

I was stumbling around Chinatown with a friend yesterday looking for a marvelously named Fook Hai Building. Obviously we got lost (what else could happen?) and no we didn't go build a raft or blast hatches in the ground or something - we ended up asking a security guard for directions.

Us: "Excuse me, do you know where Fook Hai Building is?"
Guard: "What? How you spell that? F-u...."
Us: "No no no! F-o-o-k!"
Guard: "F-o-o-k Fook ah..."
Us: "Yar, Fook Hai Building..."

and some other awkward exchanges went on before the guard told us she didn't know and we were on our way. We didn't find the building eventually and ended up taking a bus down to Orchard to catch a (terrible) movie instead.

Anyway, it's probably not the worst (or most marvelous) building name ever because I think there's a 'Fook Hin', 'Fook & Aow' and 'Wah Gay' around too but I wonder what English speaking tourists will be thinking if they ever need to go to these places, or any place with a 'Fook' in it.

There's a bad joke to be made here about buildings with 'Fook' in their names and Scarlett Johansson - and I've actually made this one up already. It goes like this: One day, Scarlett Johansson comes to Singapore and hails a cab to go to Fook & Aow Building. The cabbie ends up driving her to a S&M hotel in Geylang.

I did say it was a bad joke!

Mr Complain

2006-03-12T04:42:00.000-08:00

the laughing machine.

2006-03-05T04:30:00.000-08:00

Instructions on Usage
1. click on the word 'laugh'.
2. you are to imitate the canned laughter you hear. here's my try.

3. laugh out loud.
4. one more time.
5. have a marvelous day.

World Record Attempt for Fastest Time Taken To Tear 10 Packets of Tissue Paper

2006-02-23T06:42:00.000-08:00

right click and choose 'save target as' to download

[add]
eh I didn't throw away the tissues used in this record attempt okay!!! My nose bled later in the same day while I was playing chess (don't ask) and I used most of them up!!! Of course I'm environmentally friendly...

The 9th Count Sheep Day

2006-02-11T00:02:00.000-08:00

Everybody's too busy and turning into a dweeb,
some are looking more like a creep!
Why not count some sheep,
before you turn in and get some sleep?

the girls these days

2006-02-07T06:14:00.000-08:00

There is something wrong with the girls these days. I found this out a few days ago. I asked my classmate for a packet of tissue just to see if she had one, and she didn't have one! HOW CAN THIS BE!? How can a girl not have a packet of tissue with her? Girls with no tissue paper are not feminine enough! My god the girls these days are shocking!

I realise I am behaving like an old man so I must make myself more hip-hop and I will try to make myself more hip by retyping that last word: SHOCKIN'!. Got multi-color okay! Very hip man!

Anyway, remember back in the good old days of primary school? Girls had everything! Ruler, puncher, bullet (wah girls sound very dangerous), extra drawing block, extra space under table to hide books, Power Ranger stickers, potatoes, everything! And most importantly, tissue paper!!!! Every girl was like a nice little mama shop back then.

How many girls these days bring tissue paper? Hardly any! There's no tissue in the toilet because guys are very helpful creatures and we often wet the tissues and throw them at the ceiling to stick it there to help repair the cracks or something. I get my tissue from the guys! Horrible! Can you imagine how weird it is to be asking tissue from a guy? Its like asking the guy whether he can...lick his elbow and ride the unicycle while shouting "I'm a Sunderland Football Club supporter!" all at the same time. Okay maybe not. But it's just weird! WEIRD! WEIRD! (sorry)

Reminder to girls: Please bring tissue paper out tomorrow! If you're single, a guy will ask you out for Valentine's Day tomorrow because you brought tissue paper! If you're attached, your guy will send you a bunch of your favourite flowers! If you don't know how your status is, well then just bring the tissue paper! Thank you and ha!

yet another stupid quiz.

2006-01-30T01:15:00.000-08:00

Take a stupid Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!

:)

Ramly Burger Testimonial 2

2006-01-23T08:07:00.000-08:00

If you remember a few days back I bought a Ramly burger and slept through the night till the morning for 13 hours straight which meant I ended up not completing some schoolwork. I sent in my stuff late the next day and told my lecturer exactly what happened.

It's the truth what!

----------

Anyway, for some ridiculous reason or other some people have NEVER seen a Ramly burger before. Must be from Krygrgystan where they try to eat their foot and lick their armpits everyday these people.

So here's what a Ramly burger looks like. Okay so that's a terrible drawing but it has some yellow stuff, some brown stuff, some green stuff, some red stuff and some horrible tasting stuff. Like all proper burgers.

Today I bought another Ramly burger despite the health warnings I've recieved from some 'concerned' people. Like 'HA!!!' and 'whatever!', I want to sleep for 13 hours and dream about being stuck in a room with naked girls again! You can't stop me with that warning! I need more meat and oil if I'm gonna be stuck in a room with naked girls anyway!

Sadly I only slept for 4 hours this time and didn't get stuck in a room with girls, but when I woke up and turned on the TV, whaddayaknow, they're showing Victoria's Secret Fashion Show! POWWERRR

Ramly Burger Testimonial

2006-01-20T21:31:00.000-08:00

On Thursday while going home I bought one of those SPECIAL Ramly burgers with cheese from the pasar malam home, sat on my bed and ate it. I fell asleep immediately after finishing it, slept for 13 hours straight, dreamt about being stuck in a room with some naked girls, and only woke up the next morning.

13 hours!!! Wonderful things those Ramly burgers.

A Day In The Life

2006-01-15T18:06:00.000-08:00

kokkai

6

2011: A New Dawn

Where’s Girl-With-Bikini-Top-Untied?

Facebook: I just don't understand it.

What's better than pancakes?

Daddy, why is the sky blue?

Obituary

RIP BUNNYCirca 2002 - 2 March 2010

The world's best beer: Skinny Blonde

What's white and smells like Minnie Mouse?

MICKEY'S FINGER!

Kitten porn

Apparently I run some kind of porn blog

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit C

"We have sex on our special day for 192 times."

Celebrities are weird

“I don't like boys. They're kind of annoying.”

“I really hate vaginas. I'm allergic to vaginas.”

“I have not had a woman appear in my dreams sexually without a paparazzi in the dream too.”

“F*ck i just fell off of my chair, slammed my head into the wall and heard the back of my skull crack. theres a dent in it now!”

“The revolutionary use of directed energy has the potential to attack multiple targets at the speed of light with Pure love!”

Hello girls, you are beautiful

How to find happiness

Angry Janitor

Don't be afraid to be different

Ok, I just wanted an excuse to post pictures of Miranda Kerr...

Moms Do The Darndest Things

Big Brother

Murakami

I have never lost money in football bets

The Evolution of Palm Trees

From Singapore to Luang Prabang

Massage parlour name fail

Wah Laos!

The First Celebrity

Why

Kissing The Mirror

Everybody needs somebody

Hello hello hello hello

Something went wrong somewhere

The Red Bridge

Half Boiled Egg at 1:20am

华语 Cool

Hotel Telepathy

Barack Obama: (Climate) Change We Can Believe In

The Gorillas Wish Everybody A Merry Christmas & Happy New Year

Attack of the Ants

Red Tiger Beer Cans

One

Rebel

Under My Umbrella

Leave some for us?

Great Quotes

"Drift away from being wrong or right and you will be carried toward romance."

The Adventures of Clumsyman

I Remember

A Sign Of The Times

How Not To Irritate Men During A Football Match

21st Century Knight

Ask Uncle Kok

Obituary

THAT Primary Six School Nurse Visit

Bad Man

Difference between Jurong East and Jurong West

Short note

Mannequin

Zebras

This Tragic World

Google AdNonsense

Low and Wang

Lessons from Work

The Bus Stewardess

Strawberry Fields Forever

A Conversation About Prata

Confession Box

The Cleanic

Bath Time

RIP BUNNY
Circa 2002 - 2 March 2010

**“F*ck i just fell off of my chair, slammed my head into the wall and heard the back of my skull crack. theres a dent in it now!”**