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Saturday, February 7
im sitting on a stool,
squinting at my laptop,
pounding on the keyboard
the cracks are showing
i can't take it anymore.
i'm going on hiatus. soon.
there is a tinge of sadness inside me
i dont know how to put it
but
do I take people for granted
do people take ME for granted?
i have made 2 people angry.
and of all people
two whom ive been in most contact with within the past 6 months
today. yesterday. i dont know. i dont care.
one,
he asked me about blogs and HTML
i ignored him. i REJECTED him.
i dont feel like helping others do their blogs and debugging HTML anymore
i dont get paid, just maybe "thanks" and thats it.
its not about recognition.
my classmates regard me as an expert in HTML. i wont comment on that.
its not about money.
ive never sought to earn any money from anything. i wont accept payment unless im a pro.
i dont know what it is, but i just dont feel like helping. at least for now.
maybe ive helped too much, and people take me for granted
maybe im being selfish, and i think people are pawns in my world.
i dont know.
i'm sorry.
two,
i enjoyed some excellent camaraderie with her
but i may have gone overboard with what i say
i slap, pinch, stab myself for being sarcastic
it hurts me when people say i dont care
on the surface, it might look like that
but deep beneath, you never know what i might be thinking
teachers always say i have lots on my mind
except i dont express it out
yes i think too much. i dont know, i dont care.
at least i think.
i found a channel to express my thoughts without hesitation
my awful, meaningless, nonsensical, useless thoughts
yes, she was very nice, she absorbed all of it without complaint
but i stepped over the line.
i want to cry.
i'm sorry.
i know 'sorry' can't heal the wounds much, but i'm hoping it helps.
i sat on my bed last night, after angering two, with the question "Who am I?" iterating in my mind. I just sat on my bed, talking, mumbling, i dont know, murmuring to my rabbit. Someone who will care. Someone's whos eternally happy at the sight of me. Someone who'll follow me. At least around the house. I asked her, "Who am I?", and she stared wide-eyed at me, nose twitching. She got up, licked my hand, and ran away.
Sometimes I look at this page with sadness. There was a time where I devoted my time, my energy to this page. Everywhere I went I was thinking about this page. Now I can't come up with the ideas I used to be able to with the snap of a finger, and I....I...don't know what to write.
I'm hung up with school stuff, doing school banners, posters, rubbish these days.
Like I've said before. It's not about the recognition
I'm pleased enough seeing my work immortalised in print, in life, on a canvas
Its not about money. I'm happy to be paid peanuts.
I don't know what it is...
but there's something missing from my life.
I feel like someone disassembled me in the night,
and hurriedly put me back together again.
Am I an oppressor, a conformist? Sounds absurd.
But then again I might be just that.
I read somewhere, another blog, where the writer questioned himself
questioned himself on why people would hire him
why people who want him
what makes him so special that someone would pay money to him.
I question myself these few questions too
and I add a few more
Why do people talk to me?
Why are people inclined to call me out?
Why do people not feel any hesistation when they message me?
I'm not being hostile here,
I'm wondering why would anybody bother with me.
What is it in me that makes people sidle up without any fear
its a good trait, yes it is.
i was at the train station just now
when this old lady tottered up to me dragging a kid in hand
and asked for directions to C.K. Tang
why would she totter to me when theres so many people around, some nearer to her than me?
why me?
what is it in me?
Contrary to that though is the fact that I made 2 people angry,
one, by being obstinate
two, by being sarcastic
I'm gutted.
I take no joy from angering people
Am I a bastard, a worry-wart? Sounds absurd.
But then again I might be just that.
What's missing from my life?
WHO AM I?
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