kokkai

Wednesday, November 3

ASK UNCLE KOK
G'day all! I hope the page didnt take too long to load for you. I understand that this entry has too much rubbish and the scrollbar is rather small so I shall...er, attempt to ease reading by displaying meaningless videos. I HOPE YOU READ EVEYRTHING! lalala...anyway I enlisted the help of Ms Yammie Chin in answering some questions - she couldnt sleep one night and was feeling rather er, horny. I've rephrased some of her replies and some I've used them straight. Let's roll.

1) and u hv mistaken much. i was askin wat kinda underwear u prefer, as in YOU'D prefer to WEAR. - sharon wee

normal superman-type underwear. i think boxers tend to be too airy and dangly, but i'll wear them too. i have a ladies g-string in my wardrobe though. I don't know who it belongs to or how it ended up there - i don't have a sister and my mum doesnt wear such stuff. maybe i'll try wearing it to understand how girls feel...you know....get in touch with my feminine side

2) how to differentiate between a female and male lizards? - sharon wee

world's best guide to identifying male and female lizards

world's best guide to identifying male and female lizards

Observe the diagram.
1. Male lizards look like what you see in the left most picture. They are bigger.
2. Female lizards look exactly like what you see in the middle picture. They are smaller.
3. Also male lizards have bigger eyes while female lizards have smaller eyes.
4. And gay lizards have very long tails.

That was a VERY GOOD guide wasnt it? Now let's do a test to see how much you've learnt. If you choose a wrong answer you should revise.

3) how to get rid of dark circles? - sharon wee

yammie: BOBBI BROWN CREAMY CONCEALER - its one of the best concealer in the world. otherwise try TONY & TINA, their concealer got some ehhh plant extracts whatever that is beneficial in healing your dark eye circles. use whitening eye serum oso loh.

or you can use the problem solving Photoshop! I can help you fix your photos!

4) why are you so cocky when u're suppose to be ostrichy? - sharon wee

i was called an ostrich because apparently when i sprint it resembles an ostrich. but normally i look cocky because i was born a cock and with a cock. i think so.

5) why penguins can't fly? - sharon wee

their arses are too heavy.

5.1) tell me how penguins have sex!! - Yammie

"Penguins don't have genitals, per se, so gay penguin sex is exactly the same as straight penguin sex (not to be graphic here, but it basically involves the locking of cloacae..."
(http://msnbc.msn.com/id/4352011)

6) how to act cool when u peed on ur pants after a movie? - sharon wee

pretend you spilt your drink on your pants. if you don't have a drink make it seem like the person behind you spilt their drink on you.

7) how to reject a gay's approach? - sharon wee

"i'm a butch. and i'm lesbian."

8) teach me square dancing. - sharon wee

There are 3 simple rules
1. There must be at least one person, two is recommended though.
2. You have to dance in a square
3. You can do any action you want! Breakdancing, hiphop moves, the salsa, moonwalk whatever!

Watch the video and observe

right click here and choose "save target as" to download if you cant see the video.

9) when u fart more than u speak. how will u save the situation. - sharon wee

yammie: continue to fart more. either way pple are going to suffer. so why bother speaking. just fart. happy farting.

10) why is the word "sorry" invented? - sharon wee

because everybody has sinned in one way or another. and you cant use other words like 'f*ck' as versatile as they are

11) wat to do when u're bored and "homed." - sharon wee

'play' with yourself. or maybe try square dancing. i'll put up the video here again.

right click here and choose "save target as" to download if you cant see the video.

12) how to kill a chicken? - sharon wee

IS THIS A TRICK QUESTION!?!?!? OH MY MY MY MY HOW CAN ANYBODY SUGGEST SUCH A CRUEL ACT ALAN HAS SHOWN ME PICTURES OF LIVE MOVING EMBRYOS BEING TAKEN OUT OF THEIR EGGS AND BEING KILLED. kinda cool.

13) teach me cannibal language. - sharon wee

there are basically 7 cannibal words

OOG - represents food
ARGH - represents nothing
URG - represents disgust
BOOGA - represents calling
PHWROAR - represents anger
AAAAA - war cry / kill the human / dying / we should try eating plants
BURRP - sastifaction

so you can mix and match around and play with them. For e.g. OOG URG ARGH ARGH AAAAAAA, BOOGA

might mean "john kerry say defeat to bush man, bush man asshole". it's very easy!

14) wat does human meat taste like? - sharon wee

one way to find out is to perform the act of fellatio or cunnilingus on a guy or girl respectively. that way you'll find out the taste of human meat first hand. i think usually it tastes sweet like roasted pork but sometimes it can taste kinda salty too.

(dictionary meaning of 'fellatio')
(dictionary meaning of cunnilingus)

15) wat wine goes best wit seahorse meat? - sharon wee

i think try grape flavoured white wine. seahorse meat will bitter so you need a sweet one to balance it. so that it'll be bittersweet.

16) how to cease one's curiousity? - sharon wee

yammie: have sex. and you will realise there's n more ans you need to noe. sex is the def. solution to all problems

yeah. or you can help me think of answers to this question on how to cease your curiosity to cease your curiosity.

17) sing phantom of the opera. - sharon wee

This is the original. It's a nice song.
(right click here and choose "save target as" to download if you have trouble playing.)

This is my version
(right click here and choose "save target as" to download if for some sick reason you want to save this.)

I think everybody wants to say these.

I have this in defence.
(right click here and choose "save target as" to download if you have trouble playing.)

18) wat is "soy una máquina del sexo." - sharon wee

verygood

19) e difference between hell and heaven. - sharon wee

criminals and laywers go to hell and the rest of the world go to heaven.

yammie: 30days not having sex and having sex at the very instant!

20) wat will w.bush do if he's caught pinching your butt. - sharon wee

he will do a hoedown dance and declare he's lost the elections and hand over the presidency to
1. John Kerry who I think looks like a goat.
2. Arnold Schwarzenegger who will declare everybody hand over their deoxygenisedribenanucleticklish acid and let robots run the world while he works out in the gym.
3. Drew Carey who will make Colin Mochire, Ryan Stiles, Wayne Brady and whoever else on Whose Line Is It Anyway his cabinet.
4. Goh Chok Tong. I hope.
5. or Osama might pop up and take over the world. what a scary thought.

yammie: he will pull your hand and place it on his dick

21) wat can a human do to fly naturally? - sharon wee

try jumping off a cliff and flapping your hands. if at first you don't suceed, flying naturally is not for you.

22) wat's e next best thing to orgasm? - sharon wee

how do i know youve experienced orgasm
because once you do there's not a lot that's better than that
1. having somebody you love love you
2. knowing your mum and dad love youc
3. crystal jade's xiao long bao
4. swensens' black pepper seafood pasta (I LIKE WHAT)
5. two orgasms.

23) wat will u do if w.bush pinches ur butt? - sharon wee

say "im not your gay partner dick cheney." or sell my story to the press. headlines will go "BUSH MISTAKES BUTT FOR DICK'S". wonderful headline.

24) y do guys put 1 hand against e wall when they pee? - sharon wee

WE DO NOT. the guy who you saw doing that must be a girl. All natural guys PUT THEIR HANDS AT THEIR THING to well...STEADY and AIM it....we can't let pee be flying everywhere can we? all guys will steady their thing by NATURAL INSTINCT

except when you're reading a book or something or screaming at people who are taking a picture of you while youre peeing.

25) how to toilet train a pig? - sharon wee

yammie: tie the pig to the toilet bowl

26) wat will dave barry sae if he's caught in e shower by e camera wit absolutely nth to hide anywhere. - sharon wee

"American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors."

It's an actual quote from him.

27) wat is the best shut-him-up line? - sharon wee

yammie: you have a puny dick. [or if you really detest him that much] where's your dick? pass me the magnifying glass! [or] let's have sex!

i think a poker face and a "whatever." might do the trick too.

28) how to adjust bikini thongs smugly? - sharon wee

go into the sea! and get salt in your butt. damn. maybe hide behind a tree! and get er, sugar in your butt?

29) how to tell someone to please adjust her wedgie? - sharon wee

"butt floss is not cool."

30) why do men think wit their testosterones instead of their brains? - sharon wee

let's ask around! my motley crew consists of insomniacs, cheerleaders, workaholics, starbucks baristas, mass comm bitches, IT technical support people, 'apes' and marathon runners. in that particular order.

straight from a girl's mouth
yammie: because guys have no brains.
kelly: cuz they (testosterones) are life-support machines for their dicks
yee yee: tht proven wat, coz men are stupid
arliana: because MEN are sometimes very DUMB, its sometimes so SIMPLE to please their grls. but their make it so complicated

straight from a guy's mouth
weeping: cuz females think with estrogen
william: cos their hormones overtake and its shoik, brain is use afterwards.
ratissh: im kinda buzy man
chong yee: coz they love it. lol.

er.

you dun fall when u sit on a chair BCOS UR FEET IS PLANTED ON THE GROUND. humpty dumpty has his feet OFF the ground tt's y he could hv swayed n slipped off the wall. so on wat other grounds do u sae tt humpty dumpty was pushed? - sharonwee

(i HAVE answered this question, but I think I put the reply to this up in a seperate entry because it's rather long.)

can pose in bikini for NERD's summer season? pretty pretty please? - norahs

BIKINI WAS PHOTOSHOPPED

ignore the roxy sign on the bikini. theyre trying to rip off our products. our model has bigger boobs than some girls. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. okay i get it you didnt think that was funny. you have no sense of humour.

fine. pls do wear a beaker for the sake of your beloved readers. - hermia'smum

beabeabeabeabeakerrrrrrr

note: NERD does not sell wearable beakers.

why do behave like a smelly dog when u look like an ostrich?? tryinta cross-breed here are we???? sodomy!!!! - mcafar

nonsense. it is perfectly natural. i am very smelly sometimes. i know of people who behave like a bull when they look like an ape.

look at the meaningless video. people think they're rabbits and look like chipmunks. we are all good people!

right click here and choose "save target as" to download if you cant see the video.

how the hell does shouting cause lopsided boobs and buttocks? show tell. - clandestinenovelty

shouting causes lopsided boobs and butt

cuz all the energy is diverted to you shouting
and there no more nutrients left in the bodyyyyy!
to build ur boobs and buttocks
then things will be different size
and please stop shouting im already half deaf

saggy breasts. how to improve their state. show tell. - mcafar

PLASTIC LIAO LAR. breast creams do not work. how can you make breasts firm with some cream? if thats possible then i can make my arse, face, body everywhere firm with the same cream. what will happen if some idiot dude uses it on his manhood? IT'LL BE THE NEW VIAGRA!

yammie: eat chicken breast and papaya and massage them. good for foreplay too.

design a girdle to hold men's beer belly pot. - ronsha

girdle for men with belly pot

if you have no idea what i've drawn, DON'T WORRY! i have no idea too

wat kinda flirting do u hate most? - clandestinenovelty

i have no idea when people are actually flirting with me

wat kinda flirting do u love most? - clandestinenovelty

i think the photocopy auntie at my secondary school last time was flirting with me. she called me 'cute' and would smile at me. awwwwwwwww man. and the mushroom-haired cleaner would ask me to help her push her trolley to the bins to throw away trash and buy me a packet of bandung in return. oh man

how to pull off singlets with holes? - norahs

i say pull them off at the holes. yammie says pull them off at the holes too or make the holes bigger until you expose almost your whole body and can slip your body through and buy a new one one is very cheap anyway.

now, it's time to look at a meaningless video! too many words! you're struggling to control the little scrollbar properly! take a break!

right click here and choose "save target as" to download if you cant see the video.

equipment good for foreplay. - rafacm

bananas, ice cream, grapes, yammie says pouring chocolate over people and licking it off. yummy. or simply your mouth and tongue.

how to fake sober when u're caught drinkin n driving? - norahs

bring along and wear this pair of specs i'm wearing when youre driving. so when the police officer pulls you over he cant tell. he'll just give you a ticket for speeding or for fun like they love to. he'll NEVER know!

best pick up line. - mcafar

"i wanted to come up to you and say how gorgeous you looked tonight earlier but I got so nervous I peed in my pants."

or you can use the fail proof: "hey, you got any korean in you?"

why e hell do u like porn so much. wat kinda stupid porn do u like most. - mcafar

my classmate fuzzy says i talk and act like an old man so I suppose that's part of the reason. other reason being ALL GUYS like porn. those shown in yangtze cinema are nice. and i suppose i'll need a newspaper if i go there too cos.......cold lar inside i need to blanket my lap. anwyay i havent watched porn for QUITE A WHILE ALREADY...C******N RECOMMENDS SALLY YOSHINO

which celebrity appeared in ur recent fantasy? - bellerinaa

Jamie Yeo. she's a bitch she slapped me in my fantasy. and that punk glenn ong interrupted us.

why r guy's underwear called briefs n gal's underwear called panties? - too lazy to type

yammie: guys have sex briefly - quick & easy; girls have sex when they throw parties (meaning wedding banquets)

on what grounds do u sae tt sharon is wary and afraid of u?????!?!? (of all things.. she hasta be AFRAID of u??!??!) - unoewholaruirritatingkokbacillus

because she..........IS what. okay she's not.

Do you play magic now? - Gavin low

no. someone gave me a couple of these cards sometime ago but I have no idea where they are in my house now. and no i dont do magic tricks too the only one i know is some stupid tissue paper trick.

How tall are you? - Yao ming aka bean stalk

177cm I think. I don't know I keep shrinking and growing I was 179cm in 2002 and 174cm in 2003 and the last time I measured I was 176cm. It's fun to keep shrinking and growing.

Do you have MORE ideas for your miserable blog? - no kok

i ran out of new ideas like last year. but i still keep this blog as i intend to use it to spread my propaganda when i take over the world.

Can i add you in my blogger's list! MuaHAha! - *aRiFF*

of course you can. and that girl dee what's yours address I'll add it in too.

i am gonna hack it - HACKER

yes verygood

how can i get david yeo to marry me? - the future mrs david yeo

well i don't know actually. but judging from his recent holiday to bangkok where he bought lots of pink stuff and pink shoes(NOW WHO IN THE RIGHT MIND WEARS PINK SHOES) i suppose you can just be yourself and wear pink and he will fall in love with you and marry you. or if youre ready go seduce him one night and tell him you're pregnant the next day.

do you have split personalities? - too lazy to type
why are you so slow in replying to your questions?? - Someone LA!
Kok, write something leh. - too type to lazy
can change sth new...can u dun be so lazy...WAKE UP KOK - jAs

i think i might have. which explains why i took so long. one side's telling me "DONT REPLY!" and the other's telling me "ANSWER THEM NOW!". I think you all would love to see me being beaten up right for taking so long to answer.

right click here and choose "save target as" to download if you cant see the video.

Does KOK stands for COCK? - Molester

yammie: nope. but KOK does have a COCK. a tremedous big one to add!!! the width is more important than the length anyway.

Go to http://goodiesgoodies.com to get it. - Free Handphone giver
Get it at http://www.goodiesgoodies.com - Free iPod

i hardly do use my handphone, i like my orange handphone now anyway, and I don't need an iPod even if its free, but thank you for the offer Mr Blog Salesman.

why are you dying? - younoefuckingwho

i shouted at a tomb and drank some horrible tasting Guinness near it when i was at Fort Canning park the other day. when i walked down some spiral staircase later that night i slipped. Alan can attest to that - he was with me. they're after me.

what will bush say if u ask him to promise not to cut taxes? - younoefuckingwho

"how can we cut taxes?! taxes is part of america...all our cowboys, rednecks, constuction workers, Mexicans come from there...our umployment rates will go very very low if we cut taxes from America and give it to Luxembourg or the Ngukuzazabi tribe in Nigeria or something...we need taxes to make unemployment rates high and look like ive got something to settle....oh wait a minute....youre saying youre referring to T-A-X-E-S and not T-E-X-A-S? ah, why didnt you say so earlier. Dick, help me with this question will you."

tell it to the camera...promise that you wun raise taxes. - younoefuckingwho

right click here and choose "save target as" to download if you cant see the video.

video-teach how to pole dance. - younoefuckingwho

right click here and choose "save target as" to download if you cant see the video.

with tongue or without? - younoefuckingwho

i dont mind either way ;]

the cleanest way to clean arse after shittin's done. - iwonderwho

WATER. CONFIRM. tissue no good

FUCK YOUR COCK KOK - too lazy to type

thank you. i'm very flattered that gays want to do me. but i dont know if i'll have a pleasurable time. a week ago when i was with weeping at taka he insisted on going into Zara and when i heard the gay salesmen there say "excuuusse me pleaseee" it made my hair stand. wonderful.

why should i stop asking when you ask me to do so huh? - irritant

because each question takes up 2KB in my hotmail account. so say i have 80 questions now (thank you those who asked btw) - they take up 160KB in my 2MB account. so the more people ask the more it floods my mailbox! hurray! now everybody knows how to flood my mailbox!

change this leh - too lazy to type (x12)
15.5 questions??? u sooooooooooo lied. y are u so inquisitive n like to swindle sharon so much?? - sharon wee
your site down???? - Peter the Penis

Argh the Caveman says 'Argh.'

Argh the Caveman says 'Argh no lie.'

change this leh - too eager to type

verygood this is what i want AT LEAST CHANGE BLOODY SOMETHING. the person who asked this gets a kit kat bar from me now who asked this own up

kok handsome - too lazy to type
Kok, lol. You entries are truly hilarious, i would visit yours over xiaxue's anyday. - jasonfeng

thank you. ;]

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