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Sunday, April 11
Frustrated.
I look back at the day where I stepped out the hall, feeling odd. Very odd. It was my school's graduation ceremony and I remembered feeling that the whole thing was a waste of my time. I walked out of the school hall, decked in some long sleeved blue shirt wondering what was going to happen to me. Where was I going to end up? What was I going to do? Who do I want to keep in contact with? Yeah...I worried about my future....right now I still do.
I look at me now, and in a way I'm pleased that I've moved on from the people in secondary school. I still do keep in contact with a few of them and hold them close to me, and they'll probably stay in my life for a long time to come, I can;t choose who I get to stay in contact with, but I suppose I'll have to make do. One thing though is that I'm gradually cutting away ties with fringe friends, one, by one. I used to moan and whine about separation from my classmates, I think it was rather silly of me to do so back then.
I look at me now and wonder whether its good or not that I'd decided to be more blunt in what I say and bossy in what I do. Obviously I still have to control myself at times but yeah....I wouldn't mind being a dictator these days. I crave attention, yes I do. I love lording over others, yes I do. I love acting intelligent, yes I do. Perfectly suited for a dictator, I suppose. I can't be one though, so that's brought me down to Earth.
I think that lots of people on Earth are worthless, boring beings, destined to live out their lives sitting a desk from 9-5. I cringe at people who are content to sit in class everyday and pretend to be invisible, and at the people who would seemingly be prepared to die for the school. Everytime when something crops up it's always the same few people who are the organisers, the committees and stuff like that. Boring. I know a few of the club presidents in my school though - a couple of them are in my class. They, I feel are the proper club presidents, perfect students, not some attention craving freak or overzealous dude who's prepared to die for the (pathetic) school, judging by the amount of stuff they're doing. These people are crap.
I am interested in design these days, I admit it. I want to be seen as someone who's arty-farty, I admit it. I long to be recognized in the school, wherever I go as some design guru. But I can't achieve that. I'm not good enough to be one. I always feel that the stuff I do is amateurish, or that there's something missing from it and that some guy who's the real McCoy can do something much better. The stuff I do is terrible. Art runs through my family I suppose, a few of my cousins have won some award for advertisements and paintings and stuff like that...I've won a couple of awards myself for some anti-smoking poster I drew way back in primary school. But I feel there's always something missing from the stuff that I do. And I long for the ability. Conversely though, I feel I might have to break away from the norm and just unleash what I have in mind. But still, I lack the technical ability to express out what I have in my mind. Hmm.
I hate being ignored. Really hate it. Attention craving I suppose. I look at myself over the past couple of years and see myself changing...and I'm pleased with it. To hell with boring people. I may be a boring person myself too - I never know - but hell I don't care.
Will write something more positive these few days. Really needed an outlet to get these disjointed issues and thoughts out of my mind. The 'mouse' I usually turn to for expressing my thoughts has been rather monosyllabic and sullen recently...possibly irritated with me or uber-busy or something...so these thoughts kinda iterated through my mind, waiting for a release...I feel much better now. Now who wants to eat Swedish meatballs and go Topman or Kinokuniya? ahhaaa...
p.s. Thank you Calvin Wong ;)
p.p.s Alan you owe me $9.70 ahhaa
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