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The Kok Guide to Central Asia
Friday, September 16
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My Economics lecturer predicts that Central Asia will be the next 'hot' area with booming economies and trade, probably as a result of China's opening up of its markets and unpegging of the RMB and India's growing economy. She says we might be doing lots of business and have lots of investments there in 5-10 years' time so what better to do then write a guide to the area for you now? :)
Kazakhstan
9th largest country in the world. Has no economy, no government, probably no police too. The only stuff in that country are some old men who try to eat their foot everyday, a portable toilet and some sheep. Unlike close neighbours Russia who are famed for producing explosives, goddesses who play tennis, and generally all round nice guys like Josef Stalin who make intelligent quotes such as 'A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic,', Kazakhstan's most famous fella is called...called...erm...well I don't know, but he probably is famous because he managed to eat his foot. Tourists stop by this country to use the toilet. For some bizarre reason there's a Pokemon that sounds like this country.
Uzbekistan
Shitty country. Somewhere in the map, right beside that other shitty country. Has no economy, no government, probably no police too. Like Kazakhstan. I don't know what's the point of this country and the only time they'll appear in the news will be when they finally see that merging with another pointless country like Kazakhstan, who at least have a toilet, is the best thing they should do. Bizarrely, Koreans can be found in the country. Rumour has it that they dropped off from a passing hurricane.
Turkmenistan
A country that all the turkeys went to after Turkey was invaded by humans. Ha ha ha. Okay seriously the entire country is run by some dude called Saparmurat Niyazov, who happens to be the world's only President for Life (fanciful name for dictator) after Saddam Hussein turned senile and started trying to bury himself alive in the ground. And nobody really gives a damn about what Robert Mugabe does with Zimbabwe anyway. If you think I'm narcissistic and take too many pictures look at Niyazov. His face adorns almost everything in Turkmenistan, from banknotes to bottles of vodka, and he'd probably have his face on rubbish bins and tattooed on people's butts if he wanted.
Kyrgyzstan
Country everybody has to look up to check the spelling and find out where the hell it is and the main reason why lexicographers (the nerd who writes the dictionary) still have a job. Capital is called Bishkek and probably has cities or towns called Aasdhasdj, Yuieyqtiouji, Feuiaryiujk, Ssjhskhkjkj, and Qweiuiuwmn. The national language is Gibberish and according to Wikipedia around 70% of the population tend sheep, horses, and yaks. Aspiring sheep counters can head to the country for a job.
Tajikstan
see Uzbekistan.
These 3 countries below are not really part of Central Asia but since they're colored in the map I have to waste my energy and talk about about them too.
Georgia
The most proper country of the lot because they actually sound like a nice little country. There's a font called Georgia, there's an American state named Georgia, there's some coffee brand named Georgia Club Express you find in vending machines that tastes like drain water, they're just tucked there and nobody really bothers about them. But Georgians probably have some of the biggest names in the world. Let's look at the names of their football players: Zurab Khizanishvili, Zurabs Menteshashvili, Kakhaber Aladashvili, Kakhaber Chketiani, Georgi Demetradze. Announcer's biggest nightmare.
Armenia
I don't know what Armenians are doing in Singapore. There must be some around here because there's some street called Armenian Street isn't there? There must be quite a substantial number too - I saw a book about Armenians in Singapore at the library the other day. Maybe they come for the beach! Armenia seems to be landlocked in the map and has no beach or seaside at all - terrible! Probably the only thing they have there is the Army which is why they call themselves Army-ah!
Azerbaijan
Rubbish at soccer. Lose almost every match they play. I think the national sport over there is nose-digging.
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